A collection of Xanga Blog Posts (for posterity) - Part 1

Sat, 28 Jan 2006 19:50:41

screw you world

no movies

no big TV

no risk

no marathon 

no sleep

screw you world

screw you

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 05:53:03

kit cat clock is back

(and functioning) - all the toadies say -j'ahoo-
this weekend is supposed to be the inaugural Lord of the Rings ext. edition marathon
but my TV is too small
and the movies haven't shown up
and everyone thinks watching them all in a row with games of Risk between = death

i can't sleep anyways, why do i even try?

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 22:57:21

i had a dream i was a vigilant sidekick

my name is tim i'm a lesser-known cantor

i hate to admit that i'm the kind of person that still buys cereal for the toys. but there i was. digging through my corn pops to get out my icy slider thing. (ted voice says:) HIS NAME IS CRETACEOUS! 

and snowflakes on my windshield but not on the ground. so ephemeral and sad. just remembered that i don't believe that any wish i make will come true due to me wishing.

but every chance i get...

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 19:06:26

things i've learned today:

 - adding to the list of keepers:

Republica - Ready to Go (1996)

Helmet - Unsung (1992)

Stroke 9 - Little Black Backpack (1999)

House of Pain - Jump Around (1992)

don't know how i missed those but they got lost between drafts of the list

 - Prometheus

 --means forethought

 --was a titan

 --gave man the following: brickwork, woodworking, telling the seasons by the stars, numbers, the alphabet (for remembering things), yoked oxen, carriages, saddles, ships, sails, healing drugs, seercraft, signs in the sky, the mining of precious metals, animal sacrifice and all art. And of course divine fire, which was the last straw.

 --Pandora was given as a gift to Prometheus' brother to exterminate mankind

 --Heracles (half mortal son of Zeus) finally freed Prometheus from his torment by killing the vulture (or eagle) that ate his liver daily.

 --- the plotline to Lost has nothing on Greek mythology

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 23:34:14 -05:00

198 and 40

no its not an old chicago single

no its not an old tool single

its the totals for the 90s list. which i finally finished tonight. now, of course i'm always on the lookout for more but trust me when i say: 

do not suggest anything obvious

i already have it. 198 bands i love and like and the singles that i miss from them. now its up to my illegal downloading buddy. 40 bands i hate from the 90s or at least bands that don't fit because of time frame or genre. some i didn't even include because they are an insult to ears in general and belong at the bottom of the barrel with the B-52s and Whitesnake. ooh shouldn't have mentioned them. now i'm all tense. so should i include the haters here? 

Ace of Base – Sign (1993), 

Aerosmith – Pink (1997), 

Aqua – Barbie Girl (1997), 

Blessed Union of Souls - I Believe (1995),

Danzig – Mother (1988), 

BoDeans – Closer To Free (1995), 

Bran Van 3000 – Drinkin in LA (1998), 

Cult – Fire Woman (1989), 

Duncan Sheik – Barely Breathing (1996), 

Eagle Eye Cherry – Save Tonight (1998), 

Edwin Mccain – I’ll Be (1997), 

Eiffel 65 – Blue (1999), 

Extreme – More Than Words (1990), 

Faith No More – Epic (1989), 

Hanson – Mmmbop (1997), 

Hootie and the Blowfish – Only Wanna Be With You (1994), 

Indigo Girls – Closer to Fine (1989),

Jesus Jones – Right Here, Right Now (1991), 

Len – Steal My Sunshine (1999), 

Lifehouse – Hanging By a Moment (2000), 

Los Del Rio – Macarena (1995), 

Lou Bega – Mambo No. 5 (1999), 

Meatloaf – I’d Do Anything for Love (1993), 

Natalie Imbruglia – Torn (1998), 

Ours – Sometimes (2001), 

Paula Cole – Where Have All the Cowboys Gone (1996), 

Rednex - Cotton Eye Joe (1995), 

Rembrandts – I’ll Be There For You (1995), 

Savage Garden – Truly Madly Deeply (1997),

Shawn Colvin – Sunny Came Home (1996), 

Sixpence None the Richer – Kiss Me (1998), 

Spice Girls – Wannabe (1997), 

Spin Doctors - Little Miss Can't Be Wrong/Two Princes (1991), 

Sugar Ray – Fly (1997), 

Tal Bachman – High Above Me (1999), 

Talking Heads – Once in a Lifetime (1980), 

Tom Petty - You Dont Know How It Feels (1994), 

Train – Meet Virginia (1998), 

Vertical Horizon – Everything You Want (1999)

just so you don't think i forgot 

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 12:45:33

Neo Year

Um updates on olde year first:

 - the music damage should have included the Paul Westerberg album Stereo and the Grandpaboy album Mono

 - but that doesnt' matter now because the music damage from the other day now includes The Notwist - Neon Golden and NoFX - The Decline. 

 - I'm a whore. I KNOW.

 - the clock only worked for about two hours. then I sent it back So Pissed.

 - this year is shaping up poorly. I already have to work tonight. Screw you work. You just pay my bills. You don't own me.

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 15:40:13

We drove around for hours trying to accomplish something, anything besides our unwritten goals of books and music. No sorry, we don't have that, no we aren't open, I can order it for you for next week. So we got very little done but its a day where I didn't have to do anything anyways. 

so excited now: kit cat clock lives; an easy fix after all. This brings christmas returns total back to 2. look at him up on the wall, all back to the future and shit. i think that was the thing i'm most excited about this year. Today's music damage was Yes - Fragile (33), Jimi Hendrix - Axis: Bold as Love (33), also Are You Experienced (33), Mogwai - Come On Die Young (CD) also Rock Action (CD). 

gosh I can't get over that clock. I stole those batteries from work and was so excited to bring them home and make the clock go crazy on my wall. Plugged em in. Nothing. I heard the ticking of the machinery but no animation. The mood in the room was black. I sat on the edge of my couch yelling. No this wasn't the first time I've done that. no it won't be the last.

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 09:05:00

final thoughts before christmas

did you know:

 - Christmas is the number one day for heart attacks in the year. New Years is second

 - the holidays are the most common time of the year to feel depressed and commit suicide

 - these are medical facts

 - you should not be worrying about Christmas because that makes me worry about you and i hate worrying it gives me the ulcer and i hate the ulcer it makes coffee no fun

 - wherever you end up this year I'm probably thinking about you and more likely missing you

 - someday we'll do Christmas together. Maybe Sunday.

 - my week goes day off, Marissa's birthday, day off, Mom's birthday, day off, God's birthday, day off

 - i still don't know what to do with christmas bonus money apart from make rachel jealous

 - suggestions welcome

 - ten years gone on a classical guitar doesn't even do you justice. sorry

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 23:06:22

just a quick a note; consider it a public service announcement:

STAY AWAY FROM Chin-Chin brand Banana - Flavoured Grass Jelly Drink!

thank you

Sat, 10 Dec 2005 11:15:10

There are really two options at this point. I could pretend to not be afraid and completely intimidated by the splintering of media/genre/taste of music and continue to track down new and worthwhile bands like I've been pretending to do for the last few years. Or I could do what I've been starting to lean towards unconciously and increasingly. To hate music. To fear it. To run from it and hide from it like it demands my undivided devotion. Which it does. And I don't know if I have the bravery to commit to that. Its just such a lonely place to be at. I could sit in my music room and stare at these instruments I'm afraid to play because I know I'm not getting any better and hate that I have them because they aren't improving me, I am letting them decay. This is becoming indicative of a larger problem. I don't feel any talent going to waste because of the lack of a larger passion. I wish I could iron down one thing that I am good at. Because there are so many things I can do, but nothing I can do superbly. This is not a cry for encouragement. This is not a shallow trolling for compliments or support. This is a brain screaming in the havoc of nothing.

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 09:29:46

here comes a gentleman

thats the kind of 

drive I like

the only car in sight

the beginnings of red blossoms below 

trees still clipped with frost

on one side

the only car in sight

a frozen lake on the other

a slow constant song

a reverent friend in stereo

we're running away from work

still feeling responsible

for the death of your grandma

the only car in sight

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 14:26:43

instructions: list seven songs you are into right now. no matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. post these instructions in your xanga along with your seven songs. then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.

1. I, Herod - Mogwai

2. We Are All Made of Stars - Moby

3. Moya - Godspeed You Black Emperor

4. Sheep May Safely Graze - J.S. Bach

5. Guernica - Brand New

6. The Other Shoe - Eels

7. Leslie Anne Levine - Decemberists

tag: Dirty, Rachel, Stevenhouse, Marissa

hmm, anytime anyone at work mentions a pet, ask "a zombie parrot (dog, cat, etc.)?", curl out two fingers and squeak "BRAINS!" 

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 22:06:20

Samurai hair is everything

There are a lot of things I want to respond to today. Lets see if I can remember them all.

 - screw you, people at work, you don't own me because you know one or two things about me. don't believe everything i tell you. i've lied to you more than once. i hate you. i know you poison my coffee so i can never go back to work. i can never go again. i don't love you.

 - sad to not have been tagged yet in 7-song blitz

 - plum juice tastes shockingly like prune juice

 - Derek and Jill: I have weekend pictures for us

 - Between the living world

and the world of death

is a clear, cold pane;

a man who looks too close

must fog it with his breath,

or hold his breath too long.

(sorry if I've been quoting Wendell Berry too much lately, this will be the end, I promise)

Thu, 24 Nov 2005 11:22:50

we're just a million little gods

makin rain storms

causin every good thing to rust

It's turkey day. Following the tradition of one too many the night before, I think I may have broken my toe. There's just something about Elmhurts (sic). And I think its the early mornings waking up on the couch, oh nausea, that I really miss Lucky. But that's what happens to sandcastles. And we will build a new one next time. In this perfect world where nothing is perfect I have a list of things to be thankful for: (since you started reading (oh foolish you) you can't stop now)

 - a sense of humor - albeit sick and morose, this is a classic

 - a family that I see often enough to know and like still but not often enough to hate

 - several people that I share secret consciousnesses with (derek, rachel, i could go on) You people kill me. I love laughing at the same things but forgetting to mention them so no one else laughs. 

 - just the fact that cartoons were once a serious medium and this allowed Schulz and Watterson and Larson to reach me in a way they couldn't have otherwise

 - the facts that I can altogether see, read, and hear. I don't think I mention that one enough

so in conclusion, I have very little to tell my mother what I want for christmas. thanx for being here. exactly and approximately.

Sat, 19 Nov 2005 23:55:40

speed addle

I'm always a little disappointed when it turns out to be a commercial and not just a piece of 30-second art. Tonight I got my car up to 90 for the first time. Right in front of a cop too. No ticket for me. It wasn't even a nice 90. No shakes. No speed lines. Nothing. Maybe at 110. We'll see. 

It snowed for the first time this week. Didn't stick. But it was enough to make those nice ice triangles and quadrangles and quintangles and so on. I'd forgotten all about those. Now I'm just waiting for the snowflakes to fall on my window. I don't know if you know. The first time I saw actual 6-sided picture perfect snowflakes was about a year ago. Falling on my window as I drove home from work. Funny how something so small can make you a little kid again. Suddenly no one yelled at you, no one died. Suddenly traffic is moving too quick for a Wednesday morning. 

Tonight was also fireworks downtown. I couldn't see much of the parade but there wasn't much to see besides DisnepWorld advertisments. The fireworks though. The fireworks. I haven't been downtown to see them in years. I forgot how the sound of them washes off the buildings and crashes down like a hundred breakers over the rocks of the northern cliffs. I would really like to live by the ocean. Reading in a warm chair with the surf as my white noise instead of Route 66. Ideal. 

And I think I forgot to mention: early fall - F'n rocks: I love the colors. Still warm but I know snow is coming in a little bit. late fall - F'n crap: Everything is such a greytone it gives up its will to live and thusly dies. Where are my glorious explosions of color? Fall isn't one season. Its secretly two. And the clash in dichotomy kills me. Kills me.

final thought: friesland boppe, holland en de groppe

Fri, 11 Nov 2005 10:35:29

I suppose this means now I'm on a self assessment binge. I hated these in college. But thats because other people thought they meant something about me. Today's project: the untelligence test. Need I say more? I am 67% untelligent.

Score Breakdown...

Intelligence
Sense of Humor
Violent Tendencies
Bravery
Observational Skills
Morality
Self-Confidence

" The subject shows an astounding level of intelligence, and his sense of observation is one of his best qualities. Considering this, he shows a lot of potential, but that's only part of the equation.

Finally, the subject displayed a healthy (better than most net freaks, anyway) sense of humor, a nearly satanic lack of morality, and a arrogant and inflated self-confidence. The balance of these three traits is important; high levels of confidence, medium levels of morality, and a good level of humor make for the strongest individuals. "

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 11:12:48

I thought this would be a good counterpart to the last test: 

Personality Disorder Test Results
Disorder                       Rating
Paranoid:                      Moderate
Schizoid:                      Low
Schizotypal:                 High
Antisocial:                    Moderate
Borderline:                   Moderate
Histrionic:                     High
Narcissistic:                  High
Avoidant:                      Moderate
Dependent:                    Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

This makes me most likely schizotypal, histrionic, and narcissistic.

Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.(this is almost certainly me)

People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. Histrionics also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative. (i actually match less with this one. grandiose language, seeking praise yes, the rest, not as much)

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. Narcissists tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them. (again, half and half. i am superior. i am not friends with everyone easily or forever. like histrionic personalities, i see more of this when i was younger. of course i would say that)

final note: at the bottom of every personality disorder descriptor page, there is a link to find a date. if you really have that big of a problem, shouldn't you stay home?

final final note: I retook the test as Howard Roard from Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead. Most assuredly a character with some social problems. here are the results:

Disorder                      Rating
Paranoid:                     High
Schizoid:                      Very High
Schizotypal:                  High
Antisocial:                     High
Borderline:                    Low
Histrionic:                     Moderate
Narcissistic:                  Very High
Avoidant:                      Low
Dependent:                    Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate
Hmm mostly schizoid and narcissistic. Curiouser and curiouser.

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 10:47:24 

Your fate has been decided....

You are one of the lucky ones! Because of your virtue and beliefs, you have escaped eternal punishment. You are sent to Purgatory!

Purgatory

---

You have escaped damnation and made it to Purgatory, a place where the dew of repentance washes off the stain of sin and girds the spirit with humility. Through contrition, confession, and satisfaction by works of righteousness, you must make your way up the mountain. As the sins are cleansed from your soul, you will be illuminated by the Sun of Divine Grace, and you will join other souls, smiling and happy, upon the summit of this mountain. Before long you will know the joys of Paradise as you ascend to the ethereal realm of Heaven.

Here is how you matched up against all the levels: Level                                Who are sent there?                 Your Score Purgatory Repenting Believers Very High Level 1 - Limbo Virtuous Non-Believers Low Level 2 Lustful High Level 3 Gluttonous Low Level 4 Prodigal and Avaricious Low Level 5 Wrathful and Gloomy Low Level 6 - The City of Dis Heretics Very Low Level 7 Violent Moderate Level 8- the Malebolge Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers Moderate Level 9 - Cocytus Treacherous Low Strange. i guess i would have expected more in the wrathful and gloomy category. I guess its fair for a 20-something american male. Funny how ok i am with the mediocre. almost  like i lack the will to fight anymore.You wish to participate? http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 16:31:13

According to AlGorenet I can expect to die on March 27th 2055. I will be 72. Most likely causes of death include:

Homocide 12%

Electrolysis 10% (not electrocution, mind)

Alcoholism 10%

Cancer 10%

(bubonic plague 1%)

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 01:00:12

its pouring outside

its almost like lee should be here

glad tyler isn't 

no need for frotteurism

storms made him horny

go hilary 

stole a prose style from jill

who stole it from someone else (Dante?)

no doubt

the street lights shut off every time there's lightning

and flicker back on seconds later

stupid light sensors

Truman show was '98

Rachel was right

Same guy as Dead Poets Society

This year Christmas is off

Happy Festivus

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 20:38:35

Samhain-eve

a little kid runs around telling strangers "I are a policeman"

its a just a brief smile crossing my face

not tipping over port-a-potties or unhinging fence gates

going to work for some girl with kids

thinkin' about my friends

jack's o' lantern was a turnip first

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 15:47:28

I guess there isn't much point in futzing around about it. Theres a new car in my life. Its black and the brake lights work. Huzzahleluh. Nothing else good is happening around here. But at least nothing bad is happening either. Kind of just getting along. I needed something to break the monotony. Seems like an expensive habit. Driving to Naperville and wandering around in the biggest area without lights we could find. Tonight is a foray downtown to hang with the art fags. (don't be offended, if you really knew me, you wouldn't (or you might have reason to)) I started off this post thinking I had nothing to say. Now that its winding down, I realize I have even less than before. So screw you for stealing the words out of my brain Xanga-reader. I probably needed those.

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 16:28:03

jeez lee, you ask for a reading list and all I've been doing to my angelfire site for the last two years is updating my reading list. so, no whining. you need something of intensity. something that will drive you on but keep you entertained. ever read the davinci code? the dialogue between characters is more predictable than john grisham, but then again, the spiritual aspect of the holy grail is enthralling (which means to make a slave of you). Anyways, how can I write this whole entry just to you? Because 2 other people read this tops and they already have their reading problems under control. if you already read the davinci code, then screw you start reading some ayn rand. like fountainhead. like do something with your life.

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 00:59:49

Untermensch

A pox on all ye updating more frequently than I. Or I suppose a debt of gratitude. Lee I heard this awful rumour you were almost engaged. Tell me it isn't true. I am in the dirty south right now trying to turn another screw. I'm not sure if its going the way I want it to with most of the important talk being behind closed doors. I'm always on the other side of them. I've been up for 38 hours running. I fell asleep during macy day parade but I wasn't really asleep so the song was tremendously long in my non-speed-addled brain. I wish I wish I wish I knew what I was doing. No one can help though because this all has to be so secret in my pea-brain. Sorry about the purposeful vague-ness. Someday the ambulances will be driving my way. I don't know what I was thinking coming down here. I miss the open road I guess. I just wish I didn't know where we're going all the time now. What was it that was so grand about being lost in the first place? Something is missing from the old me to create this new me. I'm no nietzschian ubermensch. I'm sorry that anyone that reads this might be confused. It all connects in my head. But this is for my benefit and not yours, right? It seems like everything I do is that way. WHY do I have such a guilty conscience? What crushes these creative impulses I used to have when I updated? I had all these songs, all these threads to pull together, but when I had the chance I wandered around the apartment looking for things to pick out of the carpet. I think that sleep dulls my edges. Or at least gives the me the ability to know the difference between purge and art and waste. Tell me what you think. Tell me what to think.

Sat, 13 Aug 2005 17:29:46

belle is better than you 

sebastian is better than belle

you sad bastard

I hate work. Everyone there waits for their turn to talk. It doesn't matter if they talk about the same subject as long as they get to talk, they try to turn conversation to themselves. I don't care for that at all. Reanna introduced me to the idea in high school. Remember Carissa? Mmm insomnia could be my new middle name. I decided that naming kids funny things is only funny if its for an afternoon. Cheesething III (pronounced the-third) get over here. Alright time to go to a show. 

Zwolle-darity (+blac power solute)

Sun, 03 Jul 2005 08:14:22

All is blur

Noise indiscriminate

In love with the pop of a match

Igniting

There is isn't a lot for me to say right now, but I'm at a computer and something better G-D come of it. I totally missed dinner at Klaas'. Which is a drag. Rachel's car is a drag, but at least we weren't on 88 like we had planned. Things could have been much worse. Exhaustion saved us. I started a log of every day I'm awake more than 24 hours and the reason. I decided the loneliest people are astronauts. Always falling. Never hitting. Wasting away, skin muscle and frame. My fish is named Scrubbing Bubbles. Thanks to everyone for their input, albeit crappy. I called Derek the other day. I don't know why. I just felt like I needed to call him. Elliott Smith may have played a part. While I was on the phone, Jill called him too. I found out later that Rachel had wanted to call him at the exact same time. Derek, these telepsychonetic cries for help are hitting us all the way across the country. Hang on. August is on the way. I went to a wedding yesterday to play in. Rachel was the half, I was the -ass. It turned out ok. Another destination wedding ending at Trinity. Half from Cambodia and half from Australia. With a smattering of China and Connecticut thrown in for good measure. !Why did we get up so early?! You don't have to be at work till eleven. Comic moments to stymie and perplex part I is getting some positive feedback. One of the people at work said they needed to get published. I told her I could arrange to get her published in Plus-Plus. She asked if it was a nursing publication. 

I saw the moon on an empty night

It was full of promise

And full of

Holes

I wanted to crawl into the medicine cabinet

Sat, 18 Jun 2005 22:28:51

What does all this crap mean? I don't want to be where I am doing what I'm doing. Not right now, maybe not ever. I'm so behind on all the imaginary goals. You know, the ones that really matter. And where's my damn National Geographic? When all that's left is a series of lights blinking in tandem and stuck-ass space bar, I swear I could just snap. But anyway, I've been there. All these ephemeral ideas and goals have to go somewhere when I forget them. Deaf dogs and poop tongs don't do it for me. B O and rock n roll just aren't cutting it. What is it that comes to my mind so near to an idea that fades just as I reach for it? Some idea. Some ideal. Some perfect tailor-made reality that I can imagine but not process. I walked until just before dawn. Nothing changed except the wage-slaves at UPS. I don't know what I was expecting. Something more gratifying than hobo field hockey and suicaine. But I Just Can't Find IT!

Sat, 28 May 2005 19:56:01

 

TINY ROBOTS!

there is a night life in the city of grand rabids (sic) but the city feels so clean that its very non-threatening. i think i forgot to mention that. also the sides of route 131 between GR and Martin are soulless. they are in dire need of some large scale graffiti. there is no soul here. funny how the things i dread in one place are indicators of soul in another. my dear hypocrisy, how often you come to call. anonymous girl got a speeding ticket. for speeding. she blames everything but herself. for 82 in a 70. - if i just had my license along, i could have got out of it. - if i didn't have to go to this stupid wedding i could have got out of it. - stupid pigs. i'm on my way to a wedding. - why do they have to pull me over. - shoot, and I was almost clear of the last one. (shudder)

obviously something isn't sinking in. i was secretly kind of relieved she didn't get away with it. i don't know if she'll ever slow down any other way. don't feel bad or anything, i just don't think she catching on. slow down kid, its for your own good. its always something or someone else. - i'm not messy, i just have to move so often (yearly, as most college students) - my car isn't messy, i kept the old one spotless until I had to keep moving (don't know about that) i could go on.

but she bought me a pint of Guiness last night so all is resolved

Sat, 28 May 2005 10:04:52

here's to the nights we felt alive indeed.

ever lived like you were in swingers? except they wouldn't let you in a bar because you weren't wearing the same shirt as every other guy and your black shoes had a white line around the bottom probably indicating they were sneakers? didn't think so. so F you, F all your collared shirts, F all your blackened soles. Playing Sorry in a bar while drinking Guiness and mashing peanuts with a pint glass makes you think. When you hang out with deaf people, it doesn't matter how loud the overhead music is. And 18 year old girls on mechanical bulls - you are just ridiculous. Why do you make me feel like such a father figure? 

Today is the wedding I've been dreading. No more roomate proper. I guess I'd better not be late. 

Tot ziens

Fri, 06 May 2005 19:25:52

hangin around in the lost

So I almost totally spaced and forgot to tell everyone that I've moved to La Grange. I wasn't going to move till next week, but ComEd kind of forced my hand in this one. I went back to my apartment yesterday (Th) to do laundry because I haven't done it since before spring break and I finally had the $1 bills necessary to do it. I went down to the laundry room in my skiv's. There was a ComEd guy, his beat-up leather bag said Paul in faded letters. I said, hey how ya doin. He said the same basically. I went upstairs and noticed the fan I had just turned on was no longer working. Shoot, get a new fan. (yes thats a joke for lee) And neither was the answering machine, or now the oven clock. Nor the microwave. Piss. The pieces came together in a way that felt slow at the time, but since all my clocks were stopped, technically took no time at all. wow I really want to put an einstein quote in here, but am having no luck finding the one I want about the constraints of time and space. meh, so I moved all my frozens, my alarum clock and my mattress to the new place. maybe to paint this weekend. and after signing all those papers saying i wouldn't paint, i wouldn't paint, i wouldn't even sit and watch the olde paint peel. ehhhhh

in the lost and found

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 22:33:47

hmm, duly noted

This is the last entry for awhile I'm sure. Maybe hours even. I have no one to live with. This makes it a lot harder to make paint colour choices since I have the only final say. I hate/love fixing up apartments that I live in. Hate because they suck when I move in, Hate when I have to leave all my hard work and start over again next year. Sowing the seeds of house buying or maybe getting adopted by rich people. Inheriting. might be the best plan. Marissa is coming to Chicago and I don't really think she wants to come. I want to buy cymbals on eBay but I'm never around to finish the bid. Rock on. Prove me wrong. 

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 18:09:08

bmg has no eels, no tool, no metallica. ok the metallica complaint is an olde one since I own all the ones I want already. . . i have no idea what i was going to say next. shoot. Little Oscar is dead, they sang "I Wish I Was an Oscar Meyer Weiner" at his funeral. WHAT? i have a new apartment in la grange. for $15 bucks more a month i have 100 more square feet and no roommate. but i kind of don't really like living by myself. i just mope about and read and play music and do the things i'll miss in years to come when i have kids. but i'm not really enjoying them right now. just a feeling of lonely. i started writing again today. main character's name is kennedy. Kennedy something. no last name yet. does he need one? ok stop reading, i have nothing more to say.

Tue, 05 Apr 2005 22:29:47

holy flaming Duncan MacDougall

the pope is dead

schiavo is dead

technol the protector is dead

magnus is on his last breath

 - rachel says he's already dead inside

 - rachel is already dead inside

strippers are really dead inside

at least we know what didn't kill them

 - tobacco

dirty has a xanga

 - and didn't incorporate 'dirty' into the title

i'm wearing a led zeppelin shirt and i really have no idea where it came from

tool is still in my head

 - i've been binging since my last entry

taxes are hardly worth the refund

 -except my refund

 - $2K+

 - screw you last year's tax preparers

the weight of a stack of nickels

the weight of a chocolate bar

the weight of a hummingbird

gravity is bringing us down

21 grams at a time

Fri, 01 Apr 2005 01:45:58

I just started to type about a curse on me, but I remembered that TOOL did it better:

Figlio di puttana, sai che tu sei un pezzzo di merda? Hm? You think you're cool, right? Hm? Hm? When you kicked out people out of your house I tell you this, one of three Americans die of cancer, you know? (edit)hole. You're gonna be one of those. I don't have the courage to kick your (edit) directly. Don't have enough courage for that, I could, you know. You know you're gonna have another accident? You know I'm involved with black magic? (edit) you. Die. (edit)hole. You think you're so cool, hm? (edit)hole. And if I ever see your (edit)ing face around, In Europe or Italy, Well I'll -- That time I'm gonna kick your (edit). (edit) you. (edit)ing Americans, Yankee. You're gonna die outta cancer, I promise. Deep pain. No one does what you did to me. You wanna know something? (edit) you. I want your (edit) smashed, eat (edit). (edit)hole. Pezzo di merda, figlio di puttana. I hope somebody in your family dies soon. Crepa, pezzo di merda, e vai a sucare cazzi su un aereo! Son of a (edit), do you know you are a piece of (edit)? Piece of (edit), son of a (edit). Die, piece of (edit), and go (edit)ing (edit)s on a plane!

This seriously happened to me at work months ago but I was too distraught to really type about it. I am at home for the first time since June. Today I turn 23. Even Tom Sawyer is funnier than I am. None of these are really as crappy as my night at the hospital where some crazy polish lady tells me she is praying that someone in my family gets sick so I know how it feels. I think I'm getting it off my back tonight. Hope thats cool with everyone. PS. sorry if anyone speaks what I think is italian and is offended. I didn't know where to put the edits. 

PPS. (edit) L Ron Hubbard and (edit) all his clones. 

(edit) all these gun-toting Hip gangster wannabes. 

(edit)retro anything. (edit) your tattoos. 

(edit) all you junkies and (edit) your short memory.

Mon, 21 Mar 2005 20:58:09

I've got to stay awake

got to try and shake off

this creeping malaise

I'm at a computer for the first time in so many weeks it would seem. Doing taxes and harassing ex-professors. Then other ex-professors came to harass me. LEAVE ME BE! You still check my website eh? Bah! Now my whole stream is ruined. Like finding out your parents read your diary. As though any future entries will be more saucy than:

march 21 2005. I had such a great time with my parents today. I love life. Girls are so confusing. I wish I had a puppy. Broccoli trees and cotton candy clouds. And now for the exciting details: I KNOW YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU PRIVACY INVADING GESTAPO! 

 - whew, I sure like puppies

if I don't stand my own ground

how can I find my way

out of this maze?

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 21:47:53

Celebrity magazines are helpful

Some people put off cleaning to do their schoolwork. Others put off cleaning to go clubbing. Others just put it off in general. Still others put off schoolwork to do their cleaning. Are you insane? You have so much shit due. Get on the stick. I came over to help and all you want to do is scrub and replace and vacuum and spray. So I'm sitting here at a computer trying to decide whose life has gone on in my absence. It would be hurtful if I had found one. So far I've found 3. I know I'm not always around. So I guess its cool if no one calls and I just stumble around in my empty little apartment till the sun goes down. I have nowhere to live come may, no one to live with and an ever-growing list of expenses. Today I started reading Walden. Yes these last two sentences are directly related. But at least you knew that already. 

 -they help me figure out what kind of person you are when I catch you reading one

Sat, 26 Feb 2005 11:09:12

The world he describes

by the way, i've come all the way back to you after at least a month apart. i keep thinking about how sad i wish i could be and it makes me depressed. to be sad enough to bare your soul only in private to a point that builds and builds until a bursting forth of the ethera. a screaming you have to know is coming so you can take a deep breath to give it the power it demands. and nothing less. and nothingness. till a world of tiny beer labels and feedback isn't enough anymore. maybe today we die. maybe today is a gift, an extension of the gift you aren't fit to get. maybe everyday should feel this good. but they don't do they? maybe there's something wrong. maybe you've lost track of what it all meant. its unbelievable. its like a pain. its like a pain. the horror. the horror. the nausea. the panic. the vomit. God loves his children. but what if i don't? what if i can't? there's something waiting for me after this next drive, just waiting till i leave. waiting for me to get back. to get back to where? where i was. i have no choice but to take the other roads home, i think. but its always waiting. this monster embodying the 36 hour day. all the lies and fantasies I. i'm asking for it like wearing white pants and eating eggs in a meat sauce. like not eating and not sleeping and surrounding myself with infection. 

ok. take a breath and remember

Thu, 27 Jan 2005 11:24:33

words are falling out like endless rain into a paper cup

I have been giving a lot of thought this morning to music and how it fades in and out of importance inversely with the rest of my life. Sometimes I'm so lazy that I can't stand to get a CD out of my case and put it in the CD player. Which of course I'd have to turn on first, then maybe even push play. Sometimes I dream about being a first-call, (maybe top-shelf) studio musician, but I don't know what I'd play anyways. I want to find a studio near here. I want to ingratiate myself to them then steal all their ideas and methods and maybe some gear. I want to hire professional song writers to write songs that I'll hire those top-shelfers to play and sing. I just don't know my part would be in it anymore. I've become messed-up and average enough that I could never write anything that will live forever. So right now, at this exact moment, at this exact alignment of the planets and the stars and the buses and the cars, I'm praying for a total collapse. Of society, of everything I've come to know and loathe. A total regime change. A bloody coup. A pillow over the face apocalypse. On the new wave crossing the new face of the new civilization, I could be something again. No history remains to be compared to. No memories of concentration camps, no celebrity cycles, just a new world of people starting over. I would be their king. 

I helped my roomate find his blue contact this morning. Somehow it lent itself to rambling. But I didn't think to include it. Smug?

Mon, 24 Jan 2005 13:00:24

happier

I was listing things that are interesting about me when the computer froze up. I almost gave up. These were things that described me that were no more than mundane on their own but put together we have a bit of a puzzle. Anyways the songs I found today were Toad the Wet Sprocket - Fall Down and James - Laid. They both make the '90s uber-list. The James song I remember driving through Hanford on Lacey blvd. with mom and reanna. The latter being just back from college and already sowing the seeds of the Tea Party in my brain. This song: Laid came on and mom was pretty offended by it within the first two lines. Now that's reminiscence. But interesting things aside:

 - speed metal

 - male nurse

 - cancer ward

 - indie musician

 - insomniac (dead dreams)

Sat, 22 Jan 2005 11:22:22

Thoughts on life

from a man who's adopted an awake 36 hour, sleep 12 hour day. 

 - I hate thinking to myself: wow a cell phone would be really convenient right now. I'm far too proud to admit defeat and get one. Especially since this would mean paying $25 + monthly for something I would like to have the convenience of about once every two months. Can I live with a little inconvenience/adventure for $50?

 - Other people are better at art than I am. It will always be this way. I give up now. Time to hone my skills and become a drum deity. Because there are very few drummers out there good enough to actually make me depressed. 

 - Kill Danny Carey. (google it for pete's sake if you don't)

 - remind people to please please post in contrasting quolours

 - Tolkien will always be better in philology than I am. Both famous Tolkiens in fact. Does anyone else ever have the urge to drop everything and learn Quenya? No? No? Anyone? 

 - maybe don't make your password for every site you have to log into the same word

 - finally, come up with some way this week to continue with your dreams. Or I swear, I will stop this skull right now and get out.

Sun, 16 Jan 2005 16:27:46

Worship or be worshipped?

Today in church I was reading something and the shadow of my thumb obscured all but the letter 'ra'. Fans of Egyptian mythology, even casually, would totally worship me at this point. The sign has come: I was meant to be Pharaoh. So how does this stand up to the CRC? 

Nearly every day I am reminded of my pledge to never put my picture on the cover of an album. Why is this so much to ask of everyone. I look tough wearing all this years fashions. Which become last years fashions. Which become.. Till your kids are making fun of you the way you made fun of Art Garfunkel's white boy fro. You dirty doubting Phillistines.

Mon, 10 Jan 2005 22:32:10

Utz, utz, utz...

I've been living a new year. I learned the drums. I have a new appreciation for how much Lars sucks. So much ride cymbalry and slow fillery and tom foolering double bassery. But him sucking, doesn't make me any better. This is the first time I've been on the internet in about a month. I don't know how much its changed in my absence. Kind of like a soap opera.

Sun, 26 Dec 2004 09:50:12

This is the part of me that doesn't go home for Christmas

This is the part of me that is happy that Christmas is over because I don't have to listen to Christmas songs anymore. This is the part of me that thinks ants are cavemen. This is the part of me that is glad it still snows in the great frozen north. This is the part of me that misses you when you're at home. This is the part of me that wonders if you'll come out of nose surgery looking like Michael Jackson. This is the part of me that (secretly) hopes so. This is the part of me thats starting to eat it. This is the part of me that wonders if it was a good idea to send home that bottle of liquor with you. This is the part of me that is balanced between wishing I kept every book I ever gave you and being glad to be whatever tiny part of your literary upbringing. This is the part of me that wishes I was there more for you. This is the part of me that believes we are all ants. This is the part of me that wonders if its uncool to miss the few other people that are parts of me.

Sat, 11 Dec 2004 13:24:53

It was a sight to behold

Would you laugh with me tomorrow at yesterday's griefs? Or even a hundred years from now? Things will have time to diffuse by then. It really caught me this month when you said two years. I used to be so into keeping track. Whether I lost sight of the important or let go of the trivial, the fact remains. 

I haven't killed anyone in at least a week. Maybe its been two. I found myself wondering who was next yesterday. Almost like I wanted it. I was thinking about the callous and the cold. I was thinking about the patience I've built. The tolerance for anything. Now I'm thinking about how many things still rub me the wrong way and how I let them get to me when I'm alone. Being lonely makes me terribly sad. Sometimes even being alone brings me down. My pathological fear of the telephone not withstanding. 

My favorite bands sold out. I live in a city where you can see the outlines of the clouds on a completely overcast night. I drove around lost for two hours listening to Elliott Smith and Ok Computer. I'm not any worse than I was before. But I'm sure not any stronger.

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 23:41:34

I want to be the girl with the most cake

Tonight I decided to go to the jazz show at school. Someone told me I was one of those people that just can't seem to get away from school even after they graduate. Gasp, this is in fact my biggest fear. She meant well I think, but the damage was done. Anyways, this crazy guy that taught me anatomy and physiology several years ago was there. He played three songs including a Commander Cody piece (hot rod lincoln) and a Simon and G-Funk piece. I really miss his zaniness. Because really, zany is the best way to describe him, his college prof regalia, his frantic overload of information eyes, his lugubrious way of oversaying almost anything. This all faded when he picked up the guitar (except the clothes thank heaven) and promptly rocked us. After the school's jazz band played, my buds Decky and Sully were playing some exit music. I grabbed the guitar, and yelled (what key are we in?) and started jamming. . .

No sound. 

Yuck, the world stood still. Some guy was videotaping it all. I would like to see the look on my face. Anyways Bob (the prof not the RA) came up and fixed it. Huzzah (shh not so loud), the day was saved. Everything I heard on the drive home was sweeter. This always happens after a performance. I gain a love, an understanding of the live exposé of one's soul. You made the world a stage for me, I hope that you can hear me scream.

Sun, 14 Nov 2004 22:41:24

Anderson v. Grimm

I don't really know what to say anymore. I feel like my job and sleep are the only things in my life that I remember to do. And sometimes I don't sleep. For days. I hate coming up with things I want for Christmas. I can't think of things I need. I can hardly even think of things I want. How about for Marissa to make me a couple bookmarks like she had last time I was home. That's all I really want for Christmas. How do you tell your parents that you don't need anything when they derive happiness and good parenting self-esteem from giving you things? I don't need more things. I can pretend all I want.

I do know. I want a bookstore. A whole bookstore with all the books in the back that don't get sold till I have read each of them and there are at least two copies. I can go into a used bookstore and justify spending ludicrous amounts on all these books I've wanted for so long. I bought a Greek mythology collections, Camus' The Stranger, and Dostoevsky's The Idiot. What a fool I've been. 

Sometimes I feel as though I'm living in someone else's body. They go to work, I tag along. They go to sleep. I wait around and feel exhausted everyday when they get up. They eat my food. The wear my clothes. They hold books to read and I just look over their shoulder. I don't remember anything I read. I have shelves of books. All I can remember is the movies. One of these days I'm going to try and convince this host to kill themselves so I can be free. I just have to get over this nagging feeling I can't get along without him. Who else will hold my hand when I pray?

People have been telling me a lot lately of things I should be. The recurring ones are either an artist or a writer. I have all this rancor for anything I create. The only things I really like are just pieces that I feel I stole from someone else almost directly. The ones that were shaped by such sad bastards that I bled for them, if my works are even good enough to be heightened to that level. So what then? I'm being shaped by everyone else. I can't forge anew. Were there ever people who could? I would really like to interview Salinger and ask him if he really thinks like that on his own. Did he read a lot before he started writing? I love his works. He can be so presumptuous, but he does it in such funny ways. There are very few ways to phrase "and since you are reading this, I know you are an avid bird lover" and be more wrong. But he's so funny about it. And so endearing. Like an olde friend that you've just met for the first time. Is life really about scheduling things to fit your predisposed time slots? Because lately I've been thinking that the things I enjoy are somehow mashed into odd little places between events. Like walking to the store from the parking lot. Or driving around a post on top of a parking garage. Those are the moments I really love. Those are the moments I really think that I'm alive and not just some horrible drone working ahead to cushion winter's icy blow. Oftentimes I feel so dreadful that I can't function and I pretend its someone else. I realize now I'm pushing myself towards schizophrenia. Why is it that I like the fairytales that don't all end happy?

Comment from Rachel: And when we die we die alone. All those secret histories, things no one will know. Keep writing. Write to yourself, write for yourself, write alone. Sometimes it’s not what you hold onto in admiration but what you revile that moves you to create. It's not necessarily emotion, motivation, or basis that makes it great. I think it might be connection. Infection. Content. Letting go. It still feels weird. 

 

Sat, 06 Nov 2004 19:37:57

Olde deathy type-sa

What is it that is so romantic about olde people dying? Is it something about not dying alone? Death is such a key point in life that you wonder why other people don't make such a big deal about it. Some days it's all I can do not to think about all the ways to die alone. Is it something about having someone at your side that you've had there for the larger part of your minimal existence? I have stared death in the face. It gasped at me. I didn't know what to make of it at the time. I guess I still don't. Death has become a part of the job. A coroner sees everyone after the fact. A doctor sees both sides when they consult a patient and then later declares them dead. But really, I am the one in the middle easing the metamorphosis. Because that's what it is to me. This body they leave, all jaundiced and bruised, being pumped full of salt water and antibiotics. It must be better for them. At this point I look at myself in a full length mirror and ponder, would it be better for me dead? Could I get any better? I think I could use a bigger neck, some wider shoulders, but other than that, I think I'm alright. No hepatic encephalopathy, no ecchymosis. Just wet hair on a calm autumnal night. No getting roped into anything I don't want right now. That's living. That's dying right.

Tue, 26 Oct 2004 20:47:27

garden hose

I woke up next to you. Who let you in? I don't remember my alarm going off or even turning it off. It's alright, I'm glad not to wake up to the phone this time. That came within the next 60 seconds. I guess all this alarm clock business meant I forgot to go to work. Every light was green on the road. As though the world was happy to carry me away. I laughed off every snide remark. All I wanted to do was go home and wake up next to you again. I lost a pint of blood this morning instead. I got an extra blanket to show for it too. But I woke up alone. The room smelled like male body and cigarettes. The sky was grey. Something was burning alive in the kitchen. I could hear my frying pan screaming. In my favorite dreams I'm a heroin addict brushing off the hallucinations of this construct.

Tue, 19 Oct 2004 18:31:33

Today the new Elliott Smith album comes out. This is about as excited as I get lately. We watched Eternal Sunshine last night. It was really good, but we made the mistake of watching the bonus materials afterwards. That kind of keyed me down. We went walking anyways. There was a kitten, seems he done trapped hisself in the half drained pool. We climbed the fence and tried to save him. He ran into the filtration system and got lost though. Too far underground to save him. I wanted it to snow while we were out last night, but no dice. This weekend I was up for 48 hours and when I tried to go to bed I couldn't fall asleep. I totally want a refund. The guy consolidating my loans pronounced the 's' at the end of Illinois. I called him an ignoramus. My VISA statement hasn't come yet. Yesterday morning right before I was getting off work, a patient died while I was listening to her heart. She didn't breathe for about thirty seconds. Then she gasped. I almost fell over backwards. I had to apologize to the family. 

 - Flaws are ok. They only get complained about when I need an excuse to be mad. Don't mind me. I'm not going anywhere. Obviously. 

Thu, 30 Sep 2004 21:01:43

Ugh... Set! I'm set!

Finally I'm getting up the set list from the Death Cab Show on August 14th that they played with the Walkmen and Modest Mouse. A full month.5 later. Sorry.

The New Year

Why You'd Want to Live Here

Title and Registration

Photobooth

Expo '86

Company Calls

A Movie Script Ending

The Sound of Settling

Transatlanticism

So there you have it, a lifetime of driving home from work and doing the dishes, and not having time to do what you want. Cheers to you kid. You are living the dream.

Fri, 24 Sep 2004 17:39:33

This boy is exhausted

Again I've gone wrong. I didn't have a chance to post my first actual standing next to death experience. My patient starting doing this breathing where you don't really get much air, you just kind of raise your shoulders. I looked at her. Her yellowed eyes jolted open. Breathed. Wait thirty seconds. I realize now I was holding my breath too. I guess I do that with patients and sometimes in my sleep. (or so Derek says) Breath. 30 seconds. No more breath. I closed her eyes. There was no drama. There were no violins and cellos. There was no death rattle. Just me and her and a room 6 feet 5 inches short of being full of death. 

I also learned that its really not that difficult to cure cancer. A doctor told me 2 days ago that if the patient dies of something other than cancer, he considers them cured. I almost laughed. Almost.

Tonight is the honours kegger. I wish patrick and lee were here. curt might be coming but it will probably just be me in my nurse uniform, racheous, and some nerds.

Final note: this was my last day shift. Come sunday night, I am Jon de Haan, naughty night nurse. fear for your pancreas. i have come

Tue, 07 Sep 2004 17:35:39

I know I've been missing. I went to a show and never put up the setlist. Much to the chagrin of no one. I ran around for a whole month yelling "I am no one and no one is me" No one noticed. I bought some extra Nietzsche for kicks. I decided the only thing I really learned in college was how to correctly spell "Nietzsche". I started a job. I got paid for the first time in a long time. I blew most of it on food. I told the nurses at work that I ate till I was full for the first time in months. I told them it was from being hungry for so long. They laughed. Still not sure what to think about them and work. I like the work when its not paperwork. I have this strange fascination with death. It visits the floor about every other day. Today no one died. Friday my 36 year old patient died. I am waiting for the first time that I'm in the room when someone makes the transition. I have a grey face I put towards death. I don't become emotionally involved. I don't really see it as something sad or unnatural. I'm only slightly concerned that this is a problem. I think Patrick broke his foot, but I haven't heard from him, so I don't know for sure. I've stopped spelling old differently, this makes me miss the old me still more. We swam on the last day the pool was open. We were the only ones. I've been hungover, ecstatic, rancorous, even benign since I wrote last. And yet, nothing has changed. I'm still no one.

Mon, 02 Aug 2004 22:00:25

Yesterday I went to the (shudder) mall. With three girls. We listened to rap and nu-metal pop all the way there. It makes me sad when I think that metal and pop can become synonymous. Saying that I begin to question one of the two at that point is too obvious. BUT I DIGRESS. We went down the stairs. We passed Jeremy...His name tag said so. He looked at us and gripped his clipboard a little tighter. . We walked on. The girls wanted to go in American Eagle. (another one) I told them to come find me in the music store. Mmm, blessings. BUT, on the way I walked up to Jeremy and asked to take a survey. He was kind of surprised. He said he would pay me $2 if I said I was 25. One movie preview and comments later he said he would pay me $5 if I had a credit card. I was all for it. Another survey later, I had seven clams more than I started with. Back to the music store to be a consumer whore* I bought a CD wallet for $8 even, from a clerk with a shirt that said "anything goeth" She was really interested in me marking all my one dollar bills. But So I really paid a dollar. As we raise the parting glass I cry, "To a life, that is a reason unto itself."

*And how.

Sat, 31 Jul 2004 13:16:46

reading back through all this olde stuff trying to find the day i submitted to tinymixtapes (march 04 04) makes me miss my olde self. kinda wish i could go back in time and be friends with him again. 

Sat, 31 Jul 2004 13:09:33

They made the list!

I've been waiting for how long? Tiny mix tapes made my mix! The title of it was: Songs for a male nurse who secretly wants to be a speed metal rockstar but is obsessed with mid-90's rock radio and depressed about his career choice 

And I finally found it. It goes like this:

requested by: Jandhi 

compiled by: missle

01. Fuel - "Shimmer" (Sunburn)

02. 311 - "Beautiful Disaster" (Transistor)

03. Soundgarden - "The Day I Tried To Live" (Superunknown)

04. Our Lady Peace - "Clumsy" (Clumsy)

05. Poe - "Angry Johnny" (Hello)

06. Smashing Pumpkins - "Zero" (Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness)

07. Better Than Ezra - "Good" (Deluxe)

08. Silverchair - "Tomorrow" (Frogstomp)

09. Everclear - "Santa Monica" (Sparkle and Fade)

10. Lit - "My Own Worst Enemy" (Place in the Sun)

11. Tonic - "Open Up Your Eyes" (Lemon Parade)

12. Beck - "Loser" (One Foot in the Grave)

13. Goo Goo Dolls - "Name" (Boy Named Goo)

14. Bush - "Machinehead" (Sixteen Stone)

15. Stone Temple Pilots - "Creep" (Core)

Gosh, thanx tiny mix tapes. 

www.tinymixtapes.com/amg

Thu, 15 Jul 2004 00:11:05

More Shows

Sunday we went to a combo show at the Clark Street Festival uptown Chi. Before the first band, we went into a record/book store and I found Jimi Hendrix' Electric Ladyland. I of course bought it. Bottle of Justus was ok, very major key, kind of happy metal, but they had enough covers to make it interesting. Auf Der Maur should just fade in the future without better songwriting. On stage, cool. Lyrically: free association and obscure rhyme. Breaking Benjamin was an intensely cool time. Mosh and pit and mosh and anarchy and pit and blood and mosh and apocalypse.

Good things: finding Electric Ladyland on vinyl

Bad things: having to hold the record through three metal bands

Good things: seeing one of the members of the second band in the bookstore buying Catcher in the Rye

Bad things: the second band onstage

Good things: moshing to Breaking Benjamin

Bad things: starting a cheer when the singer said he wasn't supposed to drop the F-bomb

Good things: catching 3 guitar picks between Dirty and myself

Bad things: stepping on fingers to get them

Good things: giving one away to make up for it

Bad things: sore neck for 3 days from headbanging

Good things: sore neck for 3 days from headbanging

Bad things: some of the last band's new stuff

Good things: the encore happened to be AEnima where it started raining rather hard

Bad things: it was also raining on my record

Good things: making the crawdad mascot for a cajun restaurant crowdsurf

Tue, 06 Jul 2004 22:21:15

Crowning Cows

July 4 was a free show. I knew we were going downtown. I didn't know why. Following a rainy day of Taste of Chicago and some crazy crazy poker, we went down on the Metra again for the fourth. The weather was better. The seats were not. But on the ride there I found in a music newspaper a free show at the Taste Fest on the 4th. Sure enough, one of Rachel's top bands. Particularly live. Set list goes thusly:

Rain King/Raining in Baltimore

Mrs. Potter's Lullaby

Mr. Jones

Paved Paradise

Daylight Fading

Accidently in Love

4 White Stallions

Omaha

Miami

Anna Begins

A Long December

Hard Candy

Sullivan Street

Hangin' Around

Fly Away Somewhere New

I guess I'll spare you all the big words I might use if I reviewed the show, but it was a good time. Fancy that. Listening to live music because I was so far back, I couldn't even see the band. 

Wed, 30 Jun 2004 15:33:57

Unholy bourgeoisie

Yarr, pirating a computer while applying for a job is a bad idea. But dumpster diving no longer is. We got a garment bag, a wooden lamp, a duffel full of clothes, a church size folding table, a rolling suitcase, brand new jumper cables, and all sorts of other willy-nilly good stuff. Add to the garage sail booty from the day before and the 21 cds I burned for Curt and we have one heck of a weekend. 

Viva la proletariet

Fri, 11 Jun 2004 14:30:15

The turn lane is for olde ladies

At the thrift store two days ago looking for a bookshelf and olde vinyl. I found the highlights of classical music on two records. Nice. Standing in line. Olde lady comes in from the side cutting off myself, my roomate, and some other thrifty patron behind us. She doesn't say anything. I lurch/fumble forward. She shifts forward to cut me off. Repeat two or three times. She finally says softly: " I don't know where you're coming from." 

"Excuse me?" I say by then noting she only wants to buy a pair of used tennis shoes. The nike kind you used to have in the 80s if your mom didn't want them anymore. Yes you were stylin' you crazy kid. Just do it. 

She says a little louder: "I don't know where you're coming from, the line is back there." She gestures with her nose to about the point where I'm standing. I think she means behind her, but her neck simply doesn't turn that far anymore. I figured she's got less time to wait than I do, so I let her go. This has been neither the first nor the last olde person to cut me off since then. As though the fact that they've lived this long means they shouldn't have to wait in line anymore. Early bird specials. Senior citizen discounts. Frickin social security checks that come out of my paycheck. I'm sick of hearing that youth is wasted on the young. I'm going to go ahead and say what we're all thinking:

Retirement is wasted on the elderly.

Fri, 28 May 2004 18:01:19

The Turn Lane is for Law-Abiders

Next in the series of turn-lane tales comes Wednesday. 

I called some banks to get rid of all this money I had on me. (see previous entry) My wallet was seriously inches thicker than anything should be. Off to the Bank1One. Which I find somewhat redundant. The lady on the phone says a license and credit card will be ID enough. When I got there and talked to her, she balked when I pulled out my California license. So I had to go back to my place to get a bill or anything with name and address on it. 

Disadvantage: Out of state license

On the way back I was kind of annoyed because the extra mileage was eating up all my scrill now that I'm unemployed. I got into the turn lane while it was still the shoulder. I didn't see the cop in the turn lane in front of me till I was already over on the shoulder. So we both make the turn. He pulls into the median to just kick it so he can catch me as I eek past. I know its going down. I swear. Profusely. Then pull right into the bank parking lot as soon as he hits the lights. Its a fiasco. The people inside no doubt got their first good look at a real bank robber. Or so they thought. I open my door, undo the seatbelt and just kick it next to my car, license and reg. in hand. Johnny 5-0 was on the other hand slightly put off by my Illy plates and my Cali license. Who's car is this? Mine. It's your car? Its mine. 

Advantage: Out of state license

He tells me he's going to give me a pass. (like get out of jail free I think?) Essentially yes.

Tue, 25 May 2004 13:03:22 

If thats the American way, maybe I don't want to be American

Ugh, today was a day of loose ends. I went back to school to get the last of the schlock out of my olde apartment. The attitude I couldn't get over was "hey, I need more stuff choking the life out of my new gulag" Because I don't. I have a one bedroom place with one person living in it. I've had one other person there at a time. Yet for some reason, I can comfortably seat 13 people. That's a baker's dozen. So I have my choice of seating when I'm sitting around rotting my brain out. Oh, and that doesn't include floor space. I have nice shaggy carpetting. I haven't mentioned this yet, but I hate berber carpet. (shudder) Rug burns. 

Anyways, I drove back to the olde hole to pick up all the pots and pans that I'd somehow managed to forget. Then I went to the bank and cashed my grad-ee-ation moneys. Then promptly closed the account. I am now living large. Or something. If you feel the need to rob me, I definitely have a couple month's rent on my person. Why would I tell you, the low budget criminal with an olde Compaq with purple speakers? Because all this time alone has made me suicidal. Kill me. Rob me. At least the bank won't get the money. Next, onto school. I somehow got 20 stamps for $4.70. These are 37 cents each. This doesn't add up and makes me wonder if those last postal rate hikes have been fraudulent attempts to scam me. I have come to the conclusion that people are here to scam me. Not only me, but anyone who doesn't know any better. People are cruel and will latch onto whatever money making scam they can find. Herbalife exists. Proof-positive. 23 cents is what these stamps cost me. So who is picking up the remaining .14? I used the remaining 2.80 for thank-you cards. Or at least I would have if there were any thank you cards left. So I bought a random assortment of other cheap cards and have big plans to cut out the heart-warming message in the middle and replace it with something borderline interesting: curse words. I'm also getting someone else's mail. Some guy named Nathan Darling. Not just any mail; REDBOOK. 

Dry British accent guy: Nathan, Dahling, your Redbook haas arrhived. Shall I fetch it from the stoop? 

The MO for the rest of the day is go over the gaseous rat-hole that was my other option for summer living and try to track down some friends. If they still exist under that category. Otherwise I'm driving home for another week and a half by myself. Come visit. I live right behind retro mcdonalds on route 83. I have a temp phone number of 630-212-7940. My address is 10S680 Lilac Lane Willowbrook IL 60527 Apt # 206.

And send more money, you BEEP cheap louse.

Mon, 10 May 2004 14:48:43

I entered a poetry contest today under a false name:

the admiralcy has fallen

only the embers remain

of a once true and fiery will to sustain

the fleet 

whose very lifeblood meant taking 

not asking

ships sinking sweetly

like the arc royale

with its wages of life garnered

by the hoary hosts of hitler

the admiralcy stood stiffly by

turning an blind eye across the Thames

cinder block and scuttled souls

yet this one thing remains

the memories of fallen friends

of broken men and lovers

with splinters in their arms and hands

heated flesh to want recover

textbooks no longer deal

with the silence of the night

but tuck their tail betwixt their legs

and set upon their flight

somewhere yet on breezy nights

on far and quiet shore

can still be heard the sailor songs

and tales of ancient yore

But ne'er again with eyes alight

with lovers soft and kind

will rest their heads, their sea-weary legs

their burly arms entwined

the admiralcy has fallen

only smoke remains

the incense of Posiedon

the touch of Neptune's bane

Mon, 10 May 2004 13:30:33

Departmental Revue

I'm done with the nursing dept. Here's the tail end of my love letter to the review squad down at the registrar's: 

Strengths: Bonnie Decker (the dept. secretary) is an island of sanity in an ocean of poor self-care, suspicion, and disorganization.

Suggestions: Learning styles are often replaced with expectations that students act as informational sponges; sopping up what we're told and regurgitating for tests. Professors are suspicious of anything different and change in general. Focus on detail, often mundane, eclipses the broader picture, and as a result, any creativity or interest in outside influences is snuffed out as we are trained to become self-perpetuating automatons. Only working on a real unit full time has allowed me to put the pieces together and see that nursing isn't all about complaining about physicians and APA format.

Mon, 10 May 2004 13:08:52

100% = 99th percentile

More nursing tests. I still want to know who is doing better than me with my 100% on calculations (and the reproductive section). I'm only in the 99th percentile. And I think I can say with 99% certainty that 58% of statistics are made up on the spot. And that they must have cheated.

 - and of course how I can get 0% in the musculoskeletal section and still be in the 12th percentile. Those other people are really, really dumb. Or they cheated.

Thu, 06 May 2004 16:48:07

Life as you know it is over

Four long years I've been in college. Its taken nearly $80K to get this far. I've been through a major I realize I hate, a lot of friends I realize I don't care for, and just a lot of thrift store shopping. If I hadn't come here, things would have been different, but as I've always done it, all of my eggs are in one basket. I applied for one college after high school. College is over and I'm at it again. I've applied to work at one hospital. I've applied to live at one apartment. I've talked to one person about living together. I own one tie. Ok, that last one is only topical today. As is the word "topical". 

I've been running around bringing everyone back to the 90's. I worked out this list of all the songs I loved in high school, one from each band I can think of. The next project has been making people sign a "yearbook" type thing. I'm collecting notes to myself. Whether out of a selfish need for extended gratification or a last desparate cling to the nostalgic, I don't yet know. Some people have been cooperative, eager even. Others complain and then do as they're asked. Still others just sign their name to protest how much they dislike signing yearbooks. But no one has turned me down yet. This leads me to believe that people do really miss high school. As much as we all complain about it, as many times as we were slammed into lockers or thrown into garbage cans, we all miss it. Those were the days of innocence, of paying for everything by begging your parents to supplement your lame part-time job, of going to sports events and knowing everyone on the team. Personally I remember senior year of high school as the gloriest. I'd finally figured out not to hang out with people who beat me up. I'd finally achieved a status where I could talk down to other students. Now exiting my senior year of college, I can't help but feel the same. I think no matter where I could have gone to school, things wouldn't change much. I'm done waiting to be cool. I guess I always thought that one of these days, someone would decide that I'm cool and the rest of the school would follow. It never happened in high school and I guess now that college is over I realize that it never happened here either. What I do have are people that pretend we'll be casual friends for a lifetime but in all reality I'll never see again. And I'm not really that upset. I will miss having a peer group all my age. I figured out the next time it'll be that way, I'll be in a nursing home and proud when I don't soil myself for an entire day. 

I have songs running through my head that I've never heard before. There are no words, only music. I think Chopin went insane from this kind of thing and threw himself into the Rhine. Or maybe it was the Danube. Or the Lune. All I have is the Cal-Sag channel. 

I guess what I meant to say is: I'm sorry.

Thu, 29 Apr 2004 21:30:40

J'accuse

I honestly believe people are starting to fear being alone with their thoughts. I left an academic profile tonight, which is a test your school pays to have you take so they can stay accredited. Once I was done I left. Logically. I slide down the banister past someone on a cell phone. I walk out to the parking lot. The girl in front of me is on a cell phone. I look to my right. There's a girl over there. On a cell phone. This isn't just a plague anymore.

Its pandemic.

And I for one am tired. I'm tired of screaming my silly little venomous speeches into the dark as I lie awake waiting for the unfeeling bliss of unconsciousness that's been coming slower these days. I feel my age when I smile. You'll tell I'm still young, I suppose. I guess that's really what counts then: believing what you tell me. But why are there already crows feet and bad knees? 

And another thing. Maybe I'm not really worth figuring out. Because just maybe, this is who I am, what I do. Maybe this isn't a shield I put up to cover over something worse. Maybe it's just face value simple. I found a coffee travel mug today. I left it. Most people who think they can analyze me would have expected me to take it. I'm not greedy. I like challenges, but this is just sad. Yes, please figure me out. I'm dying to know why I'm this way when I really should be doing something else. 

Last night was Baskin-Robbins free scoop night. We left at 9:30p and hit 4 of them before they closed at 10p:

 - 83 and Southwest Highway: chocolate cookie dough in a regular cone 

 - 127th by the Thrift Store: Shrek swirl in a sugar cone 

 - Harlem by Jiffy Lube: Strawberry Banana in a regular cone 

 - 115th (which we were lucky to find so quick): Margarita ice in a sugar cone 

and then back to not doing homework and listening to music and looking up funny pictures on the world wide waste of time; I coined this:

"If there is a life in me not worth living, I have yet to find it"

Sat, 24 Apr 2004 23:30:41

The turn lane is for crazies

Today on the way out of the hospital where I was so adequately prepared to fill my duties as dungheap, I was playing some Weakerthans. I needed something to perk me up after 8.5 hours of not getting paid to do something no man should have to do. I was air drumming in the turn lane when I saw out of the side of my eye that I had attracted the attention of some mid-lage lady in a large van. Breaking any eye contact, I went ape-nuts. Drumming like Dave Grohl frotteurizing John Bonham. Drumming like my gall bladder was on fire. Just drumming like I had to put on a show. Anyways, at the end of a major slough, I whipped around and pointed vehemently and suddenly at the lady in the van. Who had now become two ladies laughing their respective mid-laged arses off. One was even on a cell phone telling someone else about the ridiculon that was sweeping the turn lane. 

They froze.

The turn signal turned green. I drove off. Their days were made.

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 13:07:27

Put it off this time and it will eat your babies

So I finally finished my resumé and just in time to almost use it. There is this nonsensical nursing fair in Oakbrook on Thursday and I'm required to not only go, but in order to eat, I have to spread venemous lies regarding my past. That's right. Resumé time. No more dodgeball time. And just as I finished my plans to copyright a majik 8-ball belt that could tell you prophetic and often vaguely muffled threats when you swung your hips. Sometimes life grabs your balls and shakes them looking for answers. Now you too can be ready.

Anyways I have a big project due that I haven't started on. There is a draft due the 18th. By my count that's 2 days ago. And I have to start looking for a job so I can afford this apartment I'm going to start looking for to move into when I graduate in 3 weeks. Tomorrow's another big 12-hour day. Going to work before it's sunny and leaving at dusk sucks mad vacuum. Anyways, jazz blues improv is this afternoon. I'm stoked.

Thu, 08 Apr 2004 16:36:25

Oh glands. Yesterday I got up at 5 as usual to go to my unpaid volunteerism under duress. Something in the hamburger I had at lunch or that patient in the isolation room or just a nasty flu bug was waiting for me. After work I came home and rode a bike for 2 hours. I haven't ridden a bike that long since being in Europe which Derek may attest to as being a long time ago. It felt funny. I almost fell. So many times. So I come back and a knot forms in my stomach. I don't really know what it is, though at first it seems like reverse motion sickness from sitting still on the couch. Then it gets worse. I eat a piece of dry toast and some jello which I have no doubt that Rachel fed me so when I do get sick it will look exciting. Then the Bop is bored so we play guitar for an hour or so till he goes to watch family guy. As soon as my door closes, I make a run on the bathroom and dial ralph on the big white telephone. This turns into a night long festival of trying to drink some water or gatorade, smelling something that seems suddenly ridiculously potent and immediately running for the W.C. It went on in 15 minute increments until about 6 am, sometimes with the added spice of running into a doorway on my to the bathroom or realizing my abdominals are nonselective, so that when I throw up, things start pushing out the other end too. This results in a subjectively hilarious spin move known as "the mexican one-eighty". I was ready to die. Rachel stayed until 6. I don't know why, but it was nice to not be there by myself as my viscera try to turn themselves inside out not caring which orifice they try. So all I've had since then is a liter of gatorade and an Altoid. Then jazz band is cancelled. (essentially the reason I got out of bed today, apart from the urge to not throw up in the aforementioned bed) So I'm turning this all over to you. Are there any sort of reasons you have for not wanting to die in similar situations? Because I could have used them last night.

Tue, 30 Mar 2004 16:40:51

Argh!! Cultural neophile be I 

 

I can't seem to go into a music store without plunking down my hard earned cash on something. This weekend its been: 

The shins - chutes too narrow (which is excellent but way way short) 

Red house painters - songs for a blue guitar (which I had burned but the sound on this is so much better) 

Genesis - the lamb lies down on broadway (for someone else I swear to it)

Ayn Rand - the early works ( big fan of her fiction stuff)

Tonight we go downtown and blow more scrill. I keep thinking this will be easier to conscience once I actually have a source of income steadier than selling one of my own albums once a month for enough money to buy milk and bread. This is where nursing really comes to my rescue. Getting paid $20/hr. will let me get 8 cds a day once I subtract my 3 days of work for rent, 1 day for food, and maybe a day for utilities, car repairs, misc. That leaves me 25 days a month that I can earn enough money to buy 8 cds per day 

25 x 8 = a whole lot of love (200 cds a month

At this rate I can double my collection in a little less than 2 years. Huzzah. Ok the thought of taxes just hit me. Make that about 4 years.

Thu, 25 Mar 2004 12:20:42

Fun Things

When the teacher asks for fun things you've done on your unit so far, she skips you. Not because she has any idea that you haven't done renal dialysis on a patient, not because your response would concern cutting the clothes off of trauma patients. No, she "forgets" to get your answer in small group because the things you most enjoy are driving home with your feet out the window and the radio blasting or folding origami swans and leaving them on top of the sharps bins or in the charts for the doctor to find. When it falls out the doctor says to the secretary, "Interesting form of charting". And you know you've already won. 
Later

I took the practice comprehensive final dealing with nursing. I got almost 54% correct. My program percentile is 15 though. Anything about 50 for program means you have a high probability of passing the Boards. I f(ahem)g hate tests.

Fri, 19 Mar 2004 22:36:13

Don't you know the Dewey Decimal System? 

 

We watched UHF. Oh awful. High points included:

 - finally figuring out where that Dewey Decimal System line I've been yelling for years came from (conan the librarian)

 - nothing says I love you like a spatula

 - those darn homos

 - Weird Al spending the entire deleted scenes section making fun of his own movie. There's something almost Meatloaf : Paradise by the Dashboard Light-esque about this. The concept is just so bad but the dialogue and thought behind it is even worse. At least once. And then probably no more. 

(thanx mitch)

 -Later on: After watching Punch Drunk Love, I realized I still hate Philip Seymour Hoffman and really kind of wanted to see him beat. Come to think of it, between him getting bbq'd and Emily Watson, I did actually like Red Dragon besides it sucking.

Thu, 18 Mar 2004 13:41:17

The panic, the vomit 

 

Tuesday: We do a math test that I fail because I got all the math questions right but couldn't remember everything about heparin injections. We do a skills test that I fail because I broke aseptic technique for oropharyngeal suctioning. All day I vacillate between total exhaustion and needing very badly to throw up.

Wednesday: I work at the hospital for 8 hours with no pay. I watch a tiny Vietnamese guy get 1100cc drained out of his pleura (sac around the lungs).

Thursday: I retake the skills test on sterile dressing change. I pass. I redo the math test and I can't name all the landmarks for a ventrogluteal injection and can't remember what time frame to push a Digoxin IVP. So I BS. And pass. I yell at the head of the dept. and the secretary that now I can graduate. I then come to the computer lab and realize I have alienated anyone I use to talk to. I no longer have a life.

Mon, 15 Mar 2004 17:42:31

Its a celebration! I'm Rick James!

This weekend we drove to Madison. I think we got snotty. We drank only sake and crystal light while dining entirely on either noodle dishes or oriental rice dishes. We even hung out in a Nepalese culture store. I bought a sitar fusion CD that came packaged in a solid wooden case. These guys take this serious. On the way there I thought the car was being really loud. Amanda said she had 2 tickets for having her car be too loud. It was loud. Ever heard that deafness makes you repeat yourself? Loud. On the way back, right after north IL's 3rd highway robbery, there was a thump and some scraping. And sparks. Flying sparks from under the car. Right by where I was thinking the gas tank usually hangs out. The exhaust pipe had rusted all the way through and the muffler was trailing along behind us down the IL 290 by a single weld. So that was this weekend.
For an idea of what its like now that I'm back, I get up and its sunny. I wear a t-shirt. Now that my day is over, it's snowing. 
Also today, I began to scratch the surface of the kind of disappointment/joy I bring to the table. While I was walking down the hallway in the music building, the tuba player pops out of the instrument closet and proudly exclaims: 'Hey! You're wearing shoes!'

-Dumbfounded be I

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 11:27:39

Here's a standardized test question for you: 

How do I manage to get 0.0% correct in the substance abuse category and still manage to be in the 11th percentile nationwide?

Answer: B)e a nursing major

Tue, 09 Mar 2004 17:44:49

Does this school seriously need a Mr. and Ms.? I thought I was done with popularity contests and football players when I effing graduated high school. On the other hand, if I were to somehow win, I'm not sure I'd have that easy of a time turning it down. All the irony would be too much for me and I'd make a fiery emotional speech and everyone would respect me for my honesty and directness unless you're all real jerks or crybabies.

Things that suck: Singing along with a CD you love. That's skipping.

Sun, 07 Mar 2004 20:42:01

Is there anything sweeter than taking up two handicapped spaces to park on the curb at school with a borrowed 15-passenger van after racing back from a concert where the director couldn't remember even where the first song ended and listening to classic rock all the way back? (that's rhetorical) Otherwise the answer would have to include three extra packs of stolen Grandma's cookies and doing 75 in a 35 while reminiscing about orange rind flavoured orange juice. 

Fear me smaller cars. I will own you. I will eat your children.

Thu, 04 Mar 2004 18:10:51

Ok, now I'm all down in that great kind of 'I don't need a therapist I have Radiohead' way. Some sites that put me in this spot:

http://www.asofterworld.com/ - Kind of like a comic strip, but with the aforementioned tug

http://tinymixtapes.com/amg/ - Make a mix tape list for any mood you're in. Derek - you have met your match

Mon, 01 Mar 2004 17:37:35

Coffee pt.2 (see previous two entries first)

22:31 - Broke the seal. 30 second stream. Cold shivers return.

22:47 - Burps taste like coffee grounds. Stomach feels like a rock. Attention span minimal. Spelling errors abound. Head swim.

22:55 - Decided to empty all the garbage cans in the art building. Quit trying after two. Ran around with 35 gallon garbage can on my head. Ran into fence, lightpole, doorway. 

23:11 - Took apart someone's newspaper art project to read all the comics I could find. Stomach pain. Head swirl.

23:16 - Feeling pretty queasy. Getting difficult to drink the coffee. Cold sweats back. Twitch eyes. Nose starting to run. Adding new lyrics to songs playing. Muscle tremors. Hands more twitchy than shaky. 

23:21 - Toyed with the idea of driving to San Diego but 40 hours is a long time to drive in one night.

23:34 - Feeling very anxious. Moving things hold my attention for roughly one second. Stomach churning. Burps taste like pizza. 

23:36 - Remembered having pizza for dinner. Breathing heavy. Unsteady on feet. Urge to urinate comes and is promptly forgotten. Lips feeling very dry. Concerns over incidental points come and go. 

23:40 - All this mouth breathing making tongue dry. Losing focus easily in conversation.

23:42 - Eyes and scalp itch. Imagining tactile stimulation. Loosened grip on tangible objects. Blinking a lot. 

23:45 - Smashing bugs with unidentified metal object.

23:51 - 2 pots down. 6 hours. 11 minutes. Shudder. Most of them involuntary.

00:07 - Second urination. 36 second stream. More cold shivers. Woozy.

00:12 - Bed.

00:30 - Tossed.

01:00 - Turned.

06:41 - Dreamed I went to the bathroom. Not fooled. This happened when I was 4 but I've learned since then. Had to sit down on the toilet to go for fear of losing balance.

08:22 - After some tense dreams, woke up feeling crusty. Dry mouth. Dry eyes. Slight tremors. Full remorse.

Fri, 27 Feb 2004 22:57:08

Coffee (see previous entry first)

17:30 - Started making the first pot

17:40 - Pot ready, first cup

17:43 - Stomach not liking this turn of events. Food may help

20:47 - Back from performing on the Senseless Deprivation Tour. Definitely the cold sweats. One pot almost down. Time to start taking it serious. No major tremors

20:53 - Started a second pot. Gravity flow coffee maker succeeds in making a mess. 

20:58 - Losing visual focus easily. Eyes travel independent of command. 

21:01 - Noticable heart palpitations. Slight tremors.

21:15 - I can feel the blood pulsing through my appendages. Teeth showing signs of staining. 

21:22 - The roof of my mouth is feeling raw. Cold chills up my whole back. Hearing is getting hypersensitive. 

21:59 - Making a lot of false accusations of acquaintances. Coffee smell and burning candle smell makes head crazy.

Fri, 27 Feb 2004 18:03:05

Its Friday. That could mean only one thing. Body abuse. Everyone else does it; why can't I? I think I have some sort of reunion to play guitar at but I'm going to try and drink at least one pot of coffee first. I figure up is more productive than down. And you have to pee a bunch either way. At least this way I won't run into things (on accident). I'll let you know how it goes.

Wed, 25 Feb 2004 17:53:35

The phone call that will change your life

Yuck. Realizing that your whole future changed in the space of 3 minutes on the phone is crap. So... I was planning on doing my nursing internship in the Labor and Delivery dept. That's where babies come from. But no hospitals wanted me. All my professors had positive things to say about me. Regardless, the departments couldn't be swung. Some nurses went so far as to say they don't work well with men.

Bullshit

How many physicians are men? How many gynecologists are men? How many husbands are men? These are all involved in getting that child from gamete to neonate. And all I wanted was to help the process along. So now I have to get 200 hours elsewhere from L&D. There is a pretty good chance that after this I can't get hired for this department having only a few days experience before this internship. I thought about suing, but I hate lawyers. This is without a doubt sex discrimination. So now I'm set to work an oncology floor. Maybe the other nurse should go around and ask if its ok for cancer patients to have a male nurse. 

Sorry, bad day

Fri, 20 Feb 2004 18:04:25

Electroconvulsive Therapy is Good for You

Today I got to watch two patients go through ECT (see title) on the psychiatric ward. Strange that this is still being used. The doctor says its safer than drugs and has a better response rate in most patients. But so many people are afraid of it, that its the third line of treatment used for major depression. Suck. You could fix depression in a couple weeks with High Voltage but too many people have seen One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest or Requiem For a Dream. The first guy kind of clenched his arms a little bit and his face was all contorted, but nothing bad. The point of ECT is to induce a seizure, but medication is given so you really don't tense up that much. You aren't even awake for it. The second patient was a little old lady. The shock these patients are getting is about the same as a AA battery from a flashlight. She would have cringed more, but well, she's a little old lady. 

The lesson we learn't from all this: Electricity = happy

So stick a fork in a socket next time you're down. Make all of our lives a little easier.

Wed, 18 Feb 2004 11:10:31

 

Today is the day I started Xanging. Supposed to be online looking for more information on genetic engineering. But instead, I'm posting. Double evil since I'm in here when its supposed to be closed so all us procrastination addicts go to chapel instead of finishing our homework. Like not going to church and watching the Simpsons. The real page is at http://www.angelfire.com/ca4/dehaan/understatement.html/ but no one ever seems to remember that.