an understatement and things long forgotten
Thee Archives de '03
Thee Archives de '03
Its a real shame when people tell me to put some clothes on because I'm making them cold. The shame is that I don't tell them to leave because they are making me ugly and fat. Why can't being around me make them witty? Or at least make them have a high enough opinion of their person not to degrade themselves by whining about the weather? Oh happy new year I guess.
12-28-03
In this house time has no meaning. Today has dragged on interminably. But I can wait. I have waited so long already. Not really for anything in particular, more for anything in general. Something has got to happen. But today is nothing. No change, the clocks don't move, the sun is frozen in the sky. The family lazes around yelling at me to keep quiet. The newspaper is read. The books are done. The meal is finished. Limbo has officially been breached. This is simply the worst day of my life. Not because anything terrible has happened, but because nothing has happened. And since this day is so akin to my previous ones, every day like this is the worst day of my life. Days when there is nothing to do. There are things to do really, but you don't feel like doing them. There is food to eat, but you aren't hungry. You could swear you already used the bathroom 20 times. And the only thing that breaks the tedium is the uneven period of time between the noise of trucks passing by outside. At least in solitary confinement, prisoners don't have to put up with their families.
In this house time has no meaning. Today has dragged on interminably. But I can wait. I have waited so long already. Not really for anything in particular, more for anything in general. Something has got to happen. But today is nothing. No change, the clocks don't move, the sun is frozen in the sky. The family lazes around yelling at me to keep quiet. The newspaper is read. The books are done. The meal is finished. Limbo has officially been breached. This is simply the worst day of my life. Not because anything terrible has happened, but because nothing has happened. And since this day is so akin to my previous ones, every day like this is the worst day of my life. Days when there is nothing to do. There are things to do really, but you don't feel like doing them. There is food to eat, but you aren't hungry. You could swear you already used the bathroom 20 times. And the only thing that breaks the tedium is the uneven period of time between the noise of trucks passing by outside. At least in solitary confinement, prisoners don't have to put up with their families.
12-23-03
People are animals too
People are animals too
People feel sorry for animals. It might be the skinny mutts you see on the National Geographic Channel. It might be that pitiful mewing your new kitten spends all night tormenting you with. It might be the way your half of a puppy looks at you before breathing its last after being maimed by a Honda CRX.
I'm really not too much different than normal people apart from a few minor exceptions. I don't like faux-Mexican restaurants. I hate the concept of non-alcoholic beer. I loathe the words "tasty" and "savoury". Just things like that. Anyways, I'm beginning to think that circus animals actually hate PETA. This organization believes that the dairy is cruel to cows, eggs are cruel for chickens, and the circus is cruel to the animals. Hey man, no one really likes their job that much, but you have to pay the bills. And since there is no animal welfare system, I have taken it upon myself to instate a...well, an animal welfare system. So without picking up a taste for Pabst Blue Ribbon, I had to find somewhere to help me research the welfare system. I started out this evening by conferring with my vegan buddy Dirty and then sending in for advice to PETA's idea/suggestion box. Here's the text of the letter:
Hello, long-time listener, first-time writer. I have an idea for circus animals and their ilk. The circus owners and caregivers can be very cruel to these poor creatures of the wild, but I'm sure you already know this. Freeing these animals from the daily grind is a great start, but by taking them from their jobs, you also take their livelihood. I was thinking it would be cruel to just leave these animals out in the cold, especially in the holiday season. A welfare system for them could be instated. Once they qualify, their new caregivers could be given animal food stamps to help keep them fed on soy products and sheltered from the elements. Even if this can't be done, at least some sort of workanimal's compensation program could be started. This would at least help the animals pay for their health care when their cruel masters maltreat them. Hope to hear from you soon,Keep the tofaithJonD
Their suggestion box link is of course broken. This brings me to this crazy page that has suggestions of how to fix the problem. Email them here, or try writing it again, or go vegan. Not believable, but true.
I may yet be disavowed from my family from even looking at PETA pages, but hey when in Rome eh? Its a darn shame I have to be in Hanford. No word yet...
I may yet be disavowed from my family from even looking at PETA pages, but hey when in Rome eh? Its a darn shame I have to be in Hanford. No word yet...
12-20-03
Driving presents two separate 2-way paradoxes for me. I hate driving somewhere when I know I should be doing something else. Just the thought that I have to waste time getting somewhere irks me. I should just be there and get whatever I need taken care of. The worst cases are when there is a) heavy traffic or b) somewhere I don't want to go (read: home) In the last year or two, though, I have discovered just driving. Get this: I'm working on all this crap that no human being should willingly suffer (but we do) without thoughts of insurrection and the only thing that lets me relax at all is driving. I just have to leave. Pulling out of a driveway and seeing no traffic is unbelievable. Its like coming up for air, taking a big one and having your ears de-pressurize at the same time. Now this driving can be pretty specific. There can't be anywhere I have to go. Like those wretched car commercials, it is actually driving that matters, not being wherever your otherwise vain imitation of a life thinks you should be. If there is a destination, then no time frame is allowed. I'll get there when I effing get there. Deal with it. Also the car has to be one of two persuasions. It can either be fast and sleek, or most likely: my car. This brings me to my next point.
When I'm driving the smaller car, I hate SUV drivers. They come up fast on my tail and the front grille is reminiscent of nothing less than a craven maw bearing down on me. Piss off. I'm driving here. I just want to get out and throttle that soccer mom driving by herself getting three gallons to the mile on the way to the mall talking on her cellphone with some disturbingly butchered classical song as the ringer. Here comes the fun. The car I drove most often is my own: a Chevrolet 4-door Tahoe. Its big. Its black. It has empty bullet casings in the console. It has no sense of pity. This makes it everything you'd fear meeting in that downtown alley. When I drive it, I become everything I hate about SUV drivers, particularly if I'm feeling unusually spiteful. I bear people down. I force my way into lanes. They may be faster, but I AM bigger.
The most curious part about all of this is coming back home and driving around. No matter what the car is, I still pull the olde farmer driving style. Whatever's out that driver's side window is much more important than oncoming traffic. Did I mention what a great driver I am?
12-12-03
Exam Week : Day 5 : Flammable vs. Inflammable
Driving presents two separate 2-way paradoxes for me. I hate driving somewhere when I know I should be doing something else. Just the thought that I have to waste time getting somewhere irks me. I should just be there and get whatever I need taken care of. The worst cases are when there is a) heavy traffic or b) somewhere I don't want to go (read: home) In the last year or two, though, I have discovered just driving. Get this: I'm working on all this crap that no human being should willingly suffer (but we do) without thoughts of insurrection and the only thing that lets me relax at all is driving. I just have to leave. Pulling out of a driveway and seeing no traffic is unbelievable. Its like coming up for air, taking a big one and having your ears de-pressurize at the same time. Now this driving can be pretty specific. There can't be anywhere I have to go. Like those wretched car commercials, it is actually driving that matters, not being wherever your otherwise vain imitation of a life thinks you should be. If there is a destination, then no time frame is allowed. I'll get there when I effing get there. Deal with it. Also the car has to be one of two persuasions. It can either be fast and sleek, or most likely: my car. This brings me to my next point.
When I'm driving the smaller car, I hate SUV drivers. They come up fast on my tail and the front grille is reminiscent of nothing less than a craven maw bearing down on me. Piss off. I'm driving here. I just want to get out and throttle that soccer mom driving by herself getting three gallons to the mile on the way to the mall talking on her cellphone with some disturbingly butchered classical song as the ringer. Here comes the fun. The car I drove most often is my own: a Chevrolet 4-door Tahoe. Its big. Its black. It has empty bullet casings in the console. It has no sense of pity. This makes it everything you'd fear meeting in that downtown alley. When I drive it, I become everything I hate about SUV drivers, particularly if I'm feeling unusually spiteful. I bear people down. I force my way into lanes. They may be faster, but I AM bigger.
The most curious part about all of this is coming back home and driving around. No matter what the car is, I still pull the olde farmer driving style. Whatever's out that driver's side window is much more important than oncoming traffic. Did I mention what a great driver I am?
12-12-03
Exam Week : Day 5 : Flammable vs. Inflammable
I still don't know the difference. I know that 'flammable' burns, but according to last night's test, Lysol which clearly states: Danger - Inflammable Keep away from open flame, heat source, spark, bla, bla, bla, burns very well. Even on shoes.
We headed out about midnight, never sure what to expect, only that the weather was already witch-teat-cold. After thousands of letters alight, we decided it would be a good idea to light our shoes on fire. Which continued to be a good idea. This was probably the least resistance books have ever put up to our flames. When there were only a few pages left to go and the ashes had all been sifted, we noticed someone running jogging puffily towards us. It was security guy Norm. Both Dirty and I used to work security so we knew Norm, but we were also expecting art-fag Sam to have the rounds where we were. Guess not.
Norm: Hey! What are you guys doing!? (yelling from a ways off)
Me: Uh, putting out a fire (begin stamping books and flames and hiding flammable aerosols in my backpack)
Norm: How did this get started?
Us: (stamp, stamp, stare at shoes)
Norm: Hey, how did this get started?
Us: (stamp, stamp, stare at shoes)
Norm: Guys?
Rach: We just got back from studying and found this fire.
Me: We were just putting this fire out.
Norm: I'll go get some water (Norm leaves to go get water from the chapel nearby)
Me: Holy crap! We'll be local heroes!
Dirty: Thankfully staring at my shoes is now a suitable replacement for talking (Norm comes back)
Me: So, uh, Norm, how's the evening going? Pretty eventful?
Norm: No. Uh, did you guys start this?
Me: Now Norm, would we start this?
Rach: They were just leaving when we got here.
Me: Uh, putting out a fire (begin stamping books and flames and hiding flammable aerosols in my backpack)
Norm: How did this get started?
Us: (stamp, stamp, stare at shoes)
Norm: Hey, how did this get started?
Us: (stamp, stamp, stare at shoes)
Norm: Guys?
Rach: We just got back from studying and found this fire.
Me: We were just putting this fire out.
Norm: I'll go get some water (Norm leaves to go get water from the chapel nearby)
Me: Holy crap! We'll be local heroes!
Dirty: Thankfully staring at my shoes is now a suitable replacement for talking (Norm comes back)
Me: So, uh, Norm, how's the evening going? Pretty eventful?
Norm: No. Uh, did you guys start this?
Me: Now Norm, would we start this?
Rach: They were just leaving when we got here.
Here I grab the bucket and start throwing the smoulders into it. Norm leaves after I offer to take a picture of him. Rachel takes a picture of him as he walks off. We go back to my room have a drink and go back to work on some sculpture. It is then 2:30am. The burn page is started. God bless the college life.
12-11-03
Exam Week : Day 4 : Unscheduled reschedulings
(0830)Purportedly, the whole class minus me and two wenches knew the exam was rescheduled an hour later. I really could have used that extra hour to catch up on mystudying sleep. Instead, I wandered the campus for half an hour looking for the rest of my class. So now I'm in here doing what I do best: wasting my effing time. I almost died several times trying to get here on time. Hurry up and wait. Welcome to senior year. Yeah, in college. Shouldn't scheduled overlookings like this have been done away with in high school? Professionalism is at a new low. This is why we burn books like the NAZIs we should have been. Hopefully I have that site started tonight.
12-11-03
Exam Week : Day 4 : Unscheduled reschedulings
(0830)Purportedly, the whole class minus me and two wenches knew the exam was rescheduled an hour later. I really could have used that extra hour to catch up on my
(1000)Fit has hit the shan. The practice test put out by this nursing test company (that incidentally also wrote the real test) gave me a 97.3% correct. I thought sounded encouraging. So I took the real one. Really wretched difficult. Not to complain unjustly, not to cry over a B+, but I got 15% correct on the actual test. Does this strike anyone as cruel? The rest of the day was spent lying in wait, armed to the teeth. Anything, a freshman, or a roomate would suffice. I just need something to skin.
12-10-03
Exam Week : Day 3 : Saturday #1
Today I have off. No nasal hemorrhage, no nightmarish computer tests gang aft agley, no school lunchies. I've been sitting here for the last hour thinking about not thinking and when I'm going to get my hair cut.
I no longer have the shortest hair in the class. I am the only guy though. The estrogen waves that ebb and flow daily make it obvious to me that girls don't like/handle well 1) temperature changes of more than 2 degrees F and 2) me having hair that covers my ears. 'Maybe thats why men don't listen' they whisper almost sub-audibly. 'Why doesn't he just cut his hair?' is usually louder. As is traditional, I wait for the first snow of the year to separate myself from all this dead protein I seem to have become so attached to. This is of course a big fat deal to me as this hair now weighs more than my skull (assuming each is removed and weighed individually). Its more than just a tradition though. All summer, my dear mother took my refusal to trim the 'do as a direct insult to her. My father would of course sing the Cowsills' hit song from the 70's, "Hair" everytime she mentioned getting it cut. 25 years ago, she married this man with hair much longer than mine. But I digress, this hair has become principle. I won't change for you. I won't be guilted by faulty accusations. I won't stop driving with the windows down simply because I can't see a blasted thing.
I leave school back to my happy home on Saturday. ITS DECEMBER! VHERE IZ ZE SNO? It never snows in sunny
foggy central California. So that means I'll be waiting till mid-January for my triumphal return to school with hopes for colder weather, a bigger visual field, and that no one stole my stuff over break.
12-09-03
Exam Week : Day 2 : Not going to make it
(10:30) I CAN'T make myself care about this! I've been trying for hours. This is just nonsense. Either fail me or give me a license. I don't care. Just something.
(18:30) I guess I kind of forgot to mention the steak that almost ate your face. Leftovers and finding last semester's entry about it kind of reminded me. Friday night, Dirty, Patrick, and some significant girls went out for the annual man-vs-steak beatdown. It was going pretty well until I started singing along to the birthday song at a table across the room. Bad habit, but I just have so many happy birthday wishes to get out. It was bad luck. The Fates decreed my doom thusly: my intrusion on others' conversations would be duly punished by intrusion on the rest of my evening. And sure enough. This walking resonance chamber of a woman was seated near us and found this funny. Or something funny. Or anything and every-effing-thing funny. We weren't sure what to do exactly apart from turn back to the meatpile. Never before have I put more than a dab of A1 on my meat. The same for Dirty and Patrick. But by the end of the night, we had gone through the entire bottle of it and I, for one, couldn't remember having any of it. Also, at this point I was messed up enough to think I wasn't full, but upon attempting to eat, I soon found my jaw had locked. She just kept laughing.
Final thought: Kenny Gorlick would never have sold that many records with a name like that.
Exam Week : Day 2 : Not going to make it
(10:30) I CAN'T make myself care about this! I've been trying for hours. This is just nonsense. Either fail me or give me a license. I don't care. Just something.
(18:30) I guess I kind of forgot to mention the steak that almost ate your face. Leftovers and finding last semester's entry about it kind of reminded me. Friday night, Dirty, Patrick, and some significant girls went out for the annual man-vs-steak beatdown. It was going pretty well until I started singing along to the birthday song at a table across the room. Bad habit, but I just have so many happy birthday wishes to get out. It was bad luck. The Fates decreed my doom thusly: my intrusion on others' conversations would be duly punished by intrusion on the rest of my evening. And sure enough. This walking resonance chamber of a woman was seated near us and found this funny. Or something funny. Or anything and every-effing-thing funny. We weren't sure what to do exactly apart from turn back to the meatpile. Never before have I put more than a dab of A1 on my meat. The same for Dirty and Patrick. But by the end of the night, we had gone through the entire bottle of it and I, for one, couldn't remember having any of it. Also, at this point I was messed up enough to think I wasn't full, but upon attempting to eat, I soon found my jaw had locked. She just kept laughing.
Final thought: Kenny Gorlick would never have sold that many records with a name like that.
12-08-03
Exam Week : Day 1 : Blood! That's supposed to be on the inside!
Some weeks can just break your heart. This is going to be one of them. I'm 21 years olde, why am I being quizzed? I'm not a child do you hear me? AM NOT AM NOT AM NOT! Exam week is like flushing when your roomate forgets to. You don't want anything to do with it, but if you don't, nothing will ever get passed again.
Sorry, I'm at a bit of a blood loss right now. 8 questions into my first final today, my nose decided it was time to commit suicide. Now, rather than contemplate the moral reasons why it shouldn't, it just decided to do it before it chickened out. I wiped my nose because I felt something and remembered that my profs mark off for unhygienic papers, but I got red when I expected something clear-ish. Quickly springing into evasive action, I held my nostril shut for the next 92 questions. I got up once to ask a question and the teacher just smiled at me. [why does he have his thumb up his nose? sigh, boys will be boys] Later on when I was cleaning my hands off, I looked in the mirror and could only see this Peter Criss make-up scheme done all in real blood. I laughed harder than one should who'd just bold-facedly displayed bodily fluids as fashion accessory to a superior.
12-05-03
Ramen Journal #13
Flavor: Lime Chili Shrimp
Ramen Rating: Dirty Cheap
Name Accuracy: Limey. Chili. Not shrimpy unless it was buried under the habaneros.
Stench: Like lime. (coff) Like chili.
Comments: Excellent (coff) flavour. Very spicy. Had me panting and coughing for quite awhile
Cooking tips: Do not attempt with chapped lips. Do not be distracted by music magazines and boil away the water much needed for sauce dilution. Have at least a quart of water at hand.
Ramen Journal #13
Flavor: Lime Chili Shrimp
Ramen Rating: Dirty Cheap
Name Accuracy: Limey. Chili. Not shrimpy unless it was buried under the habaneros.
Stench: Like lime. (coff) Like chili.
Comments: Excellent (coff) flavour. Very spicy. Had me panting and coughing for quite awhile
Cooking tips: Do not attempt with chapped lips. Do not be distracted by music magazines and boil away the water much needed for sauce dilution. Have at least a quart of water at hand.
12-04-03
Funny how when you're in the Honours Society, you're cheered as a hero for donating a $4 crock pot and quoting a little Monty Python. Its like I donated half my liver to a dying president. Too bad the fake beard and (real) mustache trimmer set went to my roomate's girl. The kid who got the pipe rack at least showed some intent to use it.
Funny how when you're in the Honours Society, you're cheered as a hero for donating a $4 crock pot and quoting a little Monty Python. Its like I donated half my liver to a dying president. Too bad the fake beard and (real) mustache trimmer set went to my roomate's girl. The kid who got the pipe rack at least showed some intent to use it.
12-03-03
I guess the reason I'm so lame all stems from this childhood fear I had of being cool. Cool kids always beat me up. Sometimes I think about what it would be like at my 10-year reunion. I would show up in my cool car with (I don't know, a hot wifey?) and they would all be impressed. Then I would sit down at this table full of kids I was loth to approach before I got cool and wow them all with a real college degree. I'd sure show them. Then I remember I'm a male nurse.
I guess the reason I'm so lame all stems from this childhood fear I had of being cool. Cool kids always beat me up. Sometimes I think about what it would be like at my 10-year reunion. I would show up in my cool car with (I don't know, a hot wifey?) and they would all be impressed. Then I would sit down at this table full of kids I was loth to approach before I got cool and wow them all with a real college degree. I'd sure show them. Then I remember I'm a male nurse.
11-07-03
'Click here to meet beatufil women'. Does this sound like abuse to anyone else? `Yes,' said Arthur, `yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused
lavatory with a sign on the door saying "Beware of The Leopard".'
Sex is hereditary
If your parents didn't have it, chances are that you won't either
11-01-03
Would it be worth it to explain what I did for Halloween? Between that Cubs fan slapping down a wedding bouquet and wandering roughly 10 miles around down-chi-town, I forgot entirely what day it was... Till I got hit in the crotch with an egg.
'Click here to meet beatufil women'. Does this sound like abuse to anyone else? `Yes,' said Arthur, `yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused
lavatory with a sign on the door saying "Beware of The Leopard".'
Sex is hereditary
If your parents didn't have it, chances are that you won't either
11-01-03
Would it be worth it to explain what I did for Halloween? Between that Cubs fan slapping down a wedding bouquet and wandering roughly 10 miles around down-chi-town, I forgot entirely what day it was... Till I got hit in the crotch with an egg.
10-30-03
Ok I am retarded. The last (posted) odd email and the previous odd email both contain strange conversations with Arthur. Who I now realize is the main character from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Thanx to everyone else who read it and didn't bother reminding me. Though I still can't figure out how pieces of this book got into spam junk mail telling me about vacations I could be taking and discount ink cartridge refills. Bloody improbability drive.
10-28-03
Onward & Not forward
After a hard night of wandering around in the frizin dark, crafting an axe of cardboard tubing and a shield of a Ford Taurus rim cover, attacking the olde people bus from the casino, and fleeing from two hockey teams, I come home to find this amidst another piece of spam: "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?" "`This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer, `I never could get the hang of Thursdays.'" "Why
am I here?","`Life, don't talk to me about life.'"
- On second thought this could be from the same author as the October 4 entry (see below). That darn Arthur.
am I here?","`Life, don't talk to me about life.'"
- On second thought this could be from the same author as the October 4 entry (see below). That darn Arthur.
10-27-03
Cursed ruins! This year was going to be the best pumpkin design ever. Better than the mouldy bat-child pumpkin of a year ago. Lo, even above the mouldy spooks of yesteryear. This years pumpkin would bear the ancient craftings of the stone lentils of eons past.
STONEHENGE!
Where the demons dwell
Where the banshees live and they do live well.
This weekend I spent about 5 hours not carving but skinning and scraping the guts out of this pumpkin so the stones would be dark while the light would shine around them from within. This took forever armed with but a paring knife and a cereal spoon. But such are the supplies of the apartment. I even sprayed it down with WD-40 which supposedly works as a pumpkin preserver. Within 12 hours the lid had rotted through and collapsed into the pumpk-henge. Just in case it would start to stink, I put it on the patio outside. The very next morning I awoke to see that the ancient curse of the deserted stones had wreaked its havoc on my 1/4" thick pumpkin. There was enough semblence left to put in a Dominick's bag.
To this day it huddles proudly, and not too un-mysteriously next to my roomate's pumpkin (which is still intact and will remain so till spite gets the better of me) leering typically into the suburban night...
10-22-03
How important is being cheap to me? Sometimes I even go out and practice when I don't really need to spend and/or save money. Like last night. Walgreens has to have a few things under a dollar right? I had one dollar and a few assorted coins. I was ready. Armed with a cardboard flap torn off a display, an old receipt, and a pen, I got to work. Now there are a few rules here. Because of sheer cheapness, I refuse to include anything that I can't get more than one for a dollar. Also none of this buy one for two dollars get one free or three for two dollars. I have a budget here people. The items must be one dollar or less pre-tax. Also they have to be for individual use. For example toothpicks could count but a box of raisins do not. And so I present to you:
The cheapest-ness list
-$.50-2 soapboxes (hmm) or 2 toothbrush boxes
-$.50-cuticle stick
-$.50-Walgreen lotion trial size: dry skin, cocoa butter, advanced care
-$.50-Cottonelle ultra trial size toilet paper roll
-$.50-various votive candles described by color not by scent
-$.50-8oz. bubble water
-$.50-6oz. Kool-aid burst
-$.50-chili seasoning package
-$.50-DelMonte Tomato Sauce
-$.50-Starkist tuna
-$.49-Gerber processed food-stuff: applesauce, peaches, pears, bananas, sweet potatoes, carrots
-3 for $1-halloween pumpkin candy cup
-$.29-Walgreen tissues travel pack
-$.25-Orville Redenbacher Smart Pop mini-bag
-$.25-Fruna's fruit chews
-$.25-medium duty non-disposable bowl
-$.25-Aaron Carter or N'Sync glamour shot school folder
-$.20-confetti popper
-6 for $1-'scub it' scrubbers (assorted)
-3 for $.50-scented floating candles
-18 for $1-fig bars
-24 for $1-sugar wafers
-24 for $1-peanut butter cheese crackers (8 packs of 4)
-28 for $1-holiday bowls
-30 for $1-menthol cough suppressant drops
-200 for $1-paper clips
To this day it huddles proudly, and not too un-mysteriously next to my roomate's pumpkin (which is still intact and will remain so till spite gets the better of me) leering typically into the suburban night...
10-22-03
How important is being cheap to me? Sometimes I even go out and practice when I don't really need to spend and/or save money. Like last night. Walgreens has to have a few things under a dollar right? I had one dollar and a few assorted coins. I was ready. Armed with a cardboard flap torn off a display, an old receipt, and a pen, I got to work. Now there are a few rules here. Because of sheer cheapness, I refuse to include anything that I can't get more than one for a dollar. Also none of this buy one for two dollars get one free or three for two dollars. I have a budget here people. The items must be one dollar or less pre-tax. Also they have to be for individual use. For example toothpicks could count but a box of raisins do not. And so I present to you:
The cheapest-ness list
-$.50-2 soapboxes (hmm) or 2 toothbrush boxes
-$.50-cuticle stick
-$.50-Walgreen lotion trial size: dry skin, cocoa butter, advanced care
-$.50-Cottonelle ultra trial size toilet paper roll
-$.50-various votive candles described by color not by scent
-$.50-8oz. bubble water
-$.50-6oz. Kool-aid burst
-$.50-chili seasoning package
-$.50-DelMonte Tomato Sauce
-$.50-Starkist tuna
-$.49-Gerber processed food-stuff: applesauce, peaches, pears, bananas, sweet potatoes, carrots
-3 for $1-halloween pumpkin candy cup
-$.29-Walgreen tissues travel pack
-$.25-Orville Redenbacher Smart Pop mini-bag
-$.25-Fruna's fruit chews
-$.25-medium duty non-disposable bowl
-$.25-Aaron Carter or N'Sync glamour shot school folder
-$.20-confetti popper
-6 for $1-'scub it' scrubbers (assorted)
-3 for $.50-scented floating candles
-18 for $1-fig bars
-24 for $1-sugar wafers
-24 for $1-peanut butter cheese crackers (8 packs of 4)
-28 for $1-holiday bowls
-30 for $1-menthol cough suppressant drops
-200 for $1-paper clips
Despite all this cheapness, I settled for a box of Black Vines for $1. I didn't count how many yet. Everytime I count it has less in it.
Oh lest I forget, I learned some important information. Limp Bizkit has a new album out. How long ago? I thought it was funny (funny hmm, not funny ha ha) to find at a drug store along with Bob Seger's Greatest Hits and Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here. Also, I have not bought hair products in years, so I'm a little out of the game, but when did they start using Cholesterol hair conditioning cream and Henna & Placenta as hair products? Finally, a skull candy dish with a sticker inside "WIPE CLEAN BEFORE USING". Sometimes you forget to wipe all the brains out of the skull before using it as a candy dish. Happens to the best of us.
10-21-03
Oh lest I forget, I learned some important information. Limp Bizkit has a new album out. How long ago? I thought it was funny (funny hmm, not funny ha ha) to find at a drug store along with Bob Seger's Greatest Hits and Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here. Also, I have not bought hair products in years, so I'm a little out of the game, but when did they start using Cholesterol hair conditioning cream and Henna & Placenta as hair products? Finally, a skull candy dish with a sticker inside "WIPE CLEAN BEFORE USING". Sometimes you forget to wipe all the brains out of the skull before using it as a candy dish. Happens to the best of us.
10-21-03
Ramen Journal #12
Flavor: Beef
Ramen Rating: Dutch
Name Accuracy: Well...it is ramen
Stench: Like mushrooms on that pizza in your fridge from a month ago
Comments: If ramen was a party this would be the pooper. I've had a secret vendetta against beef ramen since last year when I accidentally bought a case of it instead of chicken (see chicken entry: Ramen Journal #9). If ramen was the only item left on earth and I had to use it for everything, beef would be the flavor I'd wipe my ass with.
Cooking tips: Simple...don't
10-17-03
List of who I am when I'm not around:
1. Eagle Scout (for renovating an amphitheater), and concertmaster for Monta Vista's orchestra in Cupertino, California
2. French Canadian pharmacist at the Universite de Colombie-Britannque under some sort of foreign acclaim (he can read French, I can't)
3. General licensed FCC something or other (both modified and renewed)
4. County Line club representative for the 4-H club in Marion County, Iowa
5. Contributor of a grand total of $297,000 in to the Republican National State Elections Committee, National Republican Senatorial Committee, George W. Bush and Rudolph Giuliani
6. Recipient of the ARDA Professional of the Year award sometime prior to 1985
7. Creator of Resort Condominiums International (RCI). Today Lehigh Resort Club has more than 100 sold-out, purpose-built studio and one-bedroom vacation-ownership units
8. Yes concert attender and very opinionated reviewer from Vredenburg, Utrecht, Holland
Ramen Rating: Dutch
Name Accuracy: Well...it is ramen
Stench: Like mushrooms on that pizza in your fridge from a month ago
Comments: If ramen was a party this would be the pooper. I've had a secret vendetta against beef ramen since last year when I accidentally bought a case of it instead of chicken (see chicken entry: Ramen Journal #9). If ramen was the only item left on earth and I had to use it for everything, beef would be the flavor I'd wipe my ass with.
Cooking tips: Simple...don't
10-17-03
List of who I am when I'm not around:
1. Eagle Scout (for renovating an amphitheater), and concertmaster for Monta Vista's orchestra in Cupertino, California
2. French Canadian pharmacist at the Universite de Colombie-Britannque under some sort of foreign acclaim (he can read French, I can't)
3. General licensed FCC something or other (both modified and renewed)
4. County Line club representative for the 4-H club in Marion County, Iowa
5. Contributor of a grand total of $297,000 in to the Republican National State Elections Committee, National Republican Senatorial Committee, George W. Bush and Rudolph Giuliani
6. Recipient of the ARDA Professional of the Year award sometime prior to 1985
7. Creator of Resort Condominiums International (RCI). Today Lehigh Resort Club has more than 100 sold-out, purpose-built studio and one-bedroom vacation-ownership units
8. Yes concert attender and very opinionated reviewer from Vredenburg, Utrecht, Holland
10-09-03
Ok the only thing worse than getting urgent phone call messages at the wrong number is nostalgic emails to the wrong address**. Hey, their loss, your gain:
Ok the only thing worse than getting urgent phone call messages at the wrong number is nostalgic emails to the wrong address**. Hey, their loss, your gain:
"Larry and crew, I just wanted to drop a note of thanks to you guys for the company you all gave me in your camp/pit. I saw and spoke with a bunch of folk I've known for 25 plus years and very much enjoyed that but hangin out with you guys drinkin a cold one just made the whole weekend for me! To be so good and fast and in the know and not have a big head (which you'd be justified for if you did) makes you guys a class act that would be very hard to follow. I wish I had you guys for neighbors. Hey out of all them there ((Jandhi: did he just say 'them there'?)) people, I was the only one draggin a cooler :) Jackie said she was gonna start callin me bud lite dave:) Well,I'm gonna go (i know you folks are busy) Just wanted to thank you all for makin my weekend! Take care and I'll talk to ya later!"(closing names withheld for financial purposes*)
*not getting sued makes good financial sense to me
**Update: also maybe taking someone else's notebooks back from class
10-04-03
"Visit foreign con tries!" It's emails like this that confuse me. Other than a link to some page offering me vacations, the rest includes (and I quote):
"Why am I here?" `Oh good,' said Arthur. Also included are a number of unusual statement made by
candidates during `On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them.'
09-30-03
Planetary inebriation -
Is it just me or is the universe spinning?
I know, I know. We all hoped they'd be gone for good. But apparently the royalties from M(m(m?))Bop weren't enough to satisfy this impotent trio's quest for notoriety. Email highpoint of the day: "Hanson libido got you down?"
Planetary inebriation -
Is it just me or is the universe spinning?
I know, I know. We all hoped they'd be gone for good. But apparently the royalties from M(m(m?))Bop weren't enough to satisfy this impotent trio's quest for notoriety. Email highpoint of the day: "Hanson libido got you down?"
09-28-03
The Weakerthans played in Chicago last night and tonight again. The earlier show blew out my eardrums. The rad opening band "der constantiners" was partly at fault. I did pick up some tips though:
small people in front of you at a show is cool
small people behind you at a show have sharp elbows
extremely loud music hall = uproariously loud farts with no consequences (this seems to be surfacing more)
outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend
inside of a dog, its too dark to read
09-21-03
Last night, we went downtown to Bar Chicago. Apparently my roomate's friend's boyfriend's friend had won some drawing and there were drinks on the house for a few hours. Whatever. I went expecting something. Not much, but something. In the elevator down the parking garage, I found out mixed drinks were going to cost. Thats fine. I can drink beer. So in we go. This place offers one source of entertainment to its patrons: video of more exciting nights when you weren't around because those nights only scantily clad women are allowed in the bar. My roomate turns to me to ask what that odd smell is. I hadn't figured it out yet. So I ask for a bottle of Bud. No bottles apparently. Only draught beer. Fine, do you have Bud on tap? No, only Miller Lite. Bud bottles cost but the draught was free. Then I realized what the smell was... Scam. But I am Dutch. Highpoints of the evening include writing my thoughts down on my beer cup and screaming Monty Python quotes at some drunken bridesmaid who kept requesting Shakespeare. It was a simple matter of weight ratios. Anyways, here's what I learned.
The Weakerthans played in Chicago last night and tonight again. The earlier show blew out my eardrums. The rad opening band "der constantiners" was partly at fault. I did pick up some tips though:
small people in front of you at a show is cool
small people behind you at a show have sharp elbows
extremely loud music hall = uproariously loud farts with no consequences (this seems to be surfacing more)
outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend
inside of a dog, its too dark to read
09-21-03
Last night, we went downtown to Bar Chicago. Apparently my roomate's friend's boyfriend's friend had won some drawing and there were drinks on the house for a few hours. Whatever. I went expecting something. Not much, but something. In the elevator down the parking garage, I found out mixed drinks were going to cost. Thats fine. I can drink beer. So in we go. This place offers one source of entertainment to its patrons: video of more exciting nights when you weren't around because those nights only scantily clad women are allowed in the bar. My roomate turns to me to ask what that odd smell is. I hadn't figured it out yet. So I ask for a bottle of Bud. No bottles apparently. Only draught beer. Fine, do you have Bud on tap? No, only Miller Lite. Bud bottles cost but the draught was free. Then I realized what the smell was... Scam. But I am Dutch. Highpoints of the evening include writing my thoughts down on my beer cup and screaming Monty Python quotes at some drunken bridesmaid who kept requesting Shakespeare. It was a simple matter of weight ratios. Anyways, here's what I learned.
Ugly girls, don't drink so much, it doesn't matter how much you drink.I don't tip for lite beer. Even free.Its rather cruel to make one climb a flight of stairs to get to the can. The mirrored walls were worse.Loud bar = uproariously loud farts with no consequences
parking garage = $17mixed drinks = $3any bottled brew = $3dancing the funkiest dance I have ever danced in the car on the way back because I was quite certain my midsection was going to explode unless I pee'd in the car of this guy I hardly know = priceless
09-04-03
I was in this web-design class for kicks. I'd been in the class for about 2 weeks. So far it had been pretty much stuff I've known since high school. I talked to the teacher and he says it doesn't really get much more in-depth. So I sold back my book and officially dropped the class. But the same day I was on campus and bored. So I decided to go to the class anyways. Besides I'd already done the homework and I felt like it would be a waste to not at least turn it in. Sure it won't count for anything. But its done. So off to class.
But now the teacher knows I've done this before. Prior to my having a chance to say anything, he announces to the class that I probably know more about this class than he does and he's really glad that I decided to stay in the course and that I am now a resource for the other members of the class. In fact he wants me to give presentations to the class. He says he can expect quite a bit of more of me than the rest of the class.
I joined jazz band instead.
I was in this web-design class for kicks. I'd been in the class for about 2 weeks. So far it had been pretty much stuff I've known since high school. I talked to the teacher and he says it doesn't really get much more in-depth. So I sold back my book and officially dropped the class. But the same day I was on campus and bored. So I decided to go to the class anyways. Besides I'd already done the homework and I felt like it would be a waste to not at least turn it in. Sure it won't count for anything. But its done. So off to class.
But now the teacher knows I've done this before. Prior to my having a chance to say anything, he announces to the class that I probably know more about this class than he does and he's really glad that I decided to stay in the course and that I am now a resource for the other members of the class. In fact he wants me to give presentations to the class. He says he can expect quite a bit of more of me than the rest of the class.
I joined jazz band instead.
Todays highlight: Looking at my watch this afternoon and realizing I have class in 15 minutes. I guess I should put some pants on.
08-03-03
Summer school is finally over! Thank you Lord! This teacher was so full of wrong clichés and terrible quotes, that I couldn't help but fill an entire notebook page with them. In no particular order, I present to you:
"its a winning dynomite!"
though she narrated through every song she played, "when one is listening to music, one is not talking!"
"editors, editors, darn them!"
"this is the chance of an opportunity!"
and now the mosquitos (misquotes):
Summer school is finally over! Thank you Lord! This teacher was so full of wrong clichés and terrible quotes, that I couldn't help but fill an entire notebook page with them. In no particular order, I present to you:
"its a winning dynomite!"
though she narrated through every song she played, "when one is listening to music, one is not talking!"
"editors, editors, darn them!"
"this is the chance of an opportunity!"
and now the mosquitos (misquotes):
you can die a thousand deaths
you can commit an act of consummation with a lover
it's dapper dan
it's out the wazoo
you can place all your eggs in the same basket
it's chromaticism
it's treatise
a string can be taut
it's fathom
it's yin and yang
it's genre
a film can have a climactic ending
when you admire someone you want to emulate them
it's disconcerting
it's flamenco guitar
you can commit an act of consummation with a lover
it's dapper dan
it's out the wazoo
you can place all your eggs in the same basket
it's chromaticism
it's treatise
a string can be taut
it's fathom
it's yin and yang
it's genre
a film can have a climactic ending
when you admire someone you want to emulate them
it's disconcerting
it's flamenco guitar
you cannot bleed a thousand deaths
you cannot commit an act of consolation
it is not damper dan
it is not out the kazoo
you cannot place all your chickens in one basket
it is not cromanticism
it is not treces
but it cannot be taunt
it is not phantom
it is not ying and yang
it is not gendre
it cannot have a climatic ending
you do not want to immolate them
it is not deserting
it is not flamingo guitar
you cannot commit an act of consolation
it is not damper dan
it is not out the kazoo
you cannot place all your chickens in one basket
it is not cromanticism
it is not treces
but it cannot be taunt
it is not phantom
it is not ying and yang
it is not gendre
it cannot have a climatic ending
you do not want to immolate them
it is not deserting
it is not flamingo guitar
I'm a rockstar
I don't have to change my underwear
I don't have to change my underwear
05-12-03
So I walked into the mailroom today and was immediately hit by some awe-inspiring stank. The mailroom was obviously infected with something unnatural. As I walked out I wondered what in God's green earth could make it smell so bad. Then I remembered Friday night. (see previous entry immediately) I was so full I may as well have been drunk on steak. We wandered into the student center and I went to check my mail. Glory be. A letter from Alumni Relations. Apparently I am now an alumnus and therefore have all the rights that come with it. Such as having to endure fund-drives. But the real kicker was the very cool, very free, very blue plastic chip clip with the school's name on it so that every time I opened or closed up my favorite bag of chips, I could remember the school and the great rewards they send me for spending thousands a year on tuition. But then I remembered I don't really need a chip clip. So I sent it back in the same envelope but somehow some mayonnaise and sweet pickle relish happened to get into the envelope before I sent it off. Monday morning in the mailroom was soon to be brand new levels of olfactory fun for all involved.
So I walked into the mailroom today and was immediately hit by some awe-inspiring stank. The mailroom was obviously infected with something unnatural. As I walked out I wondered what in God's green earth could make it smell so bad. Then I remembered Friday night. (see previous entry immediately) I was so full I may as well have been drunk on steak. We wandered into the student center and I went to check my mail. Glory be. A letter from Alumni Relations. Apparently I am now an alumnus and therefore have all the rights that come with it. Such as having to endure fund-drives. But the real kicker was the very cool, very free, very blue plastic chip clip with the school's name on it so that every time I opened or closed up my favorite bag of chips, I could remember the school and the great rewards they send me for spending thousands a year on tuition. But then I remembered I don't really need a chip clip. So I sent it back in the same envelope but somehow some mayonnaise and sweet pickle relish happened to get into the envelope before I sent it off. Monday morning in the mailroom was soon to be brand new levels of olfactory fun for all involved.
05-09-03
Tonight the food fought back. Months ago, I checked out this restaurant in the Radisson basement that had this really good Porterhouse. I remembered seeing on the menu that there was this huge steak that you could get free if you could eat the whole thing. I remember being amazed thinking it was around two pounds. So I convinced my roomates Dirty and Tiny that we should go take this challenge and Friday night was our time of reckoning. We walk in and the steak on display looks about the size of a loaf of bread. Ok, do-able. We get seated and the menu says 4-5 pounds. Trouble. The waitress brings it out and later tells us its around 7 pounds of bovine casualty. Tiny didn't even bother ordering one. Dirty made it through maybe 2/3s before bowing before the meat pile on his plate. I didn't even make that. My jaw locked up by the time the steak got cold and I was pretty sure if I was ever going to die, now would be an appropriate time.
05-09-03
Ramen Journal #11
Flavor: Curry Chicken
Ramen Rating: Cheap
Name Accuracy: More chili than curry but who cares?
Stench: Chili powder, glorius chili powder
Comments: By the many arms of Vishnu! A week ago I didn't even know this flavor existed. Now I'm running my karma over every dogma I see. Holy nirvana!
Cooking tips: Could this get any better? That's like asking if moms on drugs should be sterilized. Hey easy, I said its like asking...
Ramen Journal #11
Flavor: Curry Chicken
Ramen Rating: Cheap
Name Accuracy: More chili than curry but who cares?
Stench: Chili powder, glorius chili powder
Comments: By the many arms of Vishnu! A week ago I didn't even know this flavor existed. Now I'm running my karma over every dogma I see. Holy nirvana!
Cooking tips: Could this get any better? That's like asking if moms on drugs should be sterilized. Hey easy, I said its like asking...
04-25-03
Fun product of the day: Target brand; Hi-tech dental floss. "Do not be deceived by the slight fraying that may take place during use. It will not pull or stretch loose. It will not break and it will not cut easily in the presence of rough fillings, inlays, or braces." Personally, I wasn't really sure I needed this kind of technology in floss. I ran out last week and I was using strings I pulled off of my belt stitching. But then my belt fell apart. Hmm, I said, maybe its time for something more technologically advanced. Enter Target floss: stage left.
04-24-03
Ramen Journal #10
Flavor: Lime Shrimp
Ramen Rating: Dirty Cheap
Name Accuracy: Wow, limey and noodle chunks with shrimpy consistency
Stench: Probably about the same as throwing up after a hard night of Corona and lime
Comments: Its a red-letter day when you can have lime shrimp and classic chicken. Ah snap! Or something similar...
Cooking tips: Eat it. Like it. Repeat.
Ramen Journal #10
Flavor: Lime Shrimp
Ramen Rating: Dirty Cheap
Name Accuracy: Wow, limey and noodle chunks with shrimpy consistency
Stench: Probably about the same as throwing up after a hard night of Corona and lime
Comments: Its a red-letter day when you can have lime shrimp and classic chicken. Ah snap! Or something similar...
Cooking tips: Eat it. Like it. Repeat.
Ramen Journal #9
Flavor: Chicken
Ramen Rating: Cheap
Name Accuracy: Wotsa matter, afraid?
Stench: Spicy rotting vegetation mush
Comments: Chicken has always been the classic favorite. Cheap, tasty, doesn't grease the skids...What more could you ask for?
Cooking tips: Don't drain all the water. Its half the fun. Who knew the other half would be Spanish talk shows? ¡Peligro: Sabor macizo!
And if I could write you a song
To make you feel better
This would be it
Flavor: Chicken
Ramen Rating: Cheap
Name Accuracy: Wotsa matter, afraid?
Stench: Spicy rotting vegetation mush
Comments: Chicken has always been the classic favorite. Cheap, tasty, doesn't grease the skids...What more could you ask for?
Cooking tips: Don't drain all the water. Its half the fun. Who knew the other half would be Spanish talk shows? ¡Peligro: Sabor macizo!
And if I could write you a song
To make you feel better
This would be it
04-17-03
So I got an email today offering a Master's Degree Diploma. I was quite impressed. The subject line? "Pick Up The Diploma Without Waisting The Cash". The email promised I could "Receive the benefits and admiration that comes with a diploma!" Apparently its working for this company. You can get a job without having even basic spelling skills. They must have had a Masters Degree in English to write this subject heading.
So I got an email today offering a Master's Degree Diploma. I was quite impressed. The subject line? "Pick Up The Diploma Without Waisting The Cash". The email promised I could "Receive the benefits and admiration that comes with a diploma!" Apparently its working for this company. You can get a job without having even basic spelling skills. They must have had a Masters Degree in English to write this subject heading.
04-11-03
Ramen Journal #8
Flavor: Picante Chicken
Ramen Rating: Rotten Cheap
Name Accuracy: More picante than chicken
Stench: A lot like the silage pile
Comments: Very festive what with the red and green flakelets. But more spicy than anything else. I'll let you know when my mouth stops burning.
Cooking tips: Avoid the water at the bottom like the plague. Because it won't treat you any better.
Ramen Journal #7
Flavor: Pork
Ramen Rating: Aldi Cheap
Name Accuracy: I don't really like pork normally, but this just sucked
Stench: I guess when they said pork, they meant pigsty
Comments: Not particularly flavorful considering the pungent stench. Maybe its the fat-free pork flavor.
Cooking tips: Don't bother adding lemon and breading the ramen brick. Can you make sausage from pork ramen? Be sure to add something resembling flavor.
Ramen Rating: Rotten Cheap
Name Accuracy: More picante than chicken
Stench: A lot like the silage pile
Comments: Very festive what with the red and green flakelets. But more spicy than anything else. I'll let you know when my mouth stops burning.
Cooking tips: Avoid the water at the bottom like the plague. Because it won't treat you any better.
Ramen Journal #7
Flavor: Pork
Ramen Rating: Aldi Cheap
Name Accuracy: I don't really like pork normally, but this just sucked
Stench: I guess when they said pork, they meant pigsty
Comments: Not particularly flavorful considering the pungent stench. Maybe its the fat-free pork flavor.
Cooking tips: Don't bother adding lemon and breading the ramen brick. Can you make sausage from pork ramen? Be sure to add something resembling flavor.
Appropriate for vegan and diabetic diets.
04-09-03
Summer classes can be a pain in the butt. Then again other times they can be lots of fun. Like Architecture 299, a study abroad program in Italy... that meets Monday through Thursday 9-11am in room 403. This is why I love community college. Maybe next summer I'll be ready for Child Abuse 134.
Summer classes can be a pain in the butt. Then again other times they can be lots of fun. Like Architecture 299, a study abroad program in Italy... that meets Monday through Thursday 9-11am in room 403. This is why I love community college. Maybe next summer I'll be ready for Child Abuse 134.
04-08-03
So I was watching TV the other day (bad start) and I found to my racist amazement this infomercial not offering to send you anything for your money, but instead to send a Jew back to Israel. That's right. Now you too can take part in the fulfillment of these ancient prophecies for the low low price of only $750 per Jew. Even better, I could send four Jews back for only $3000 (they tell me this in case I can't do math). Here may be found the related website.
http://www.ifcj.org/
"The Wings program is truly a miracle!" says Rabbi Yechiel Eckstein, founder and president of the Fellowship.
So I was watching TV the other day (bad start) and I found to my racist amazement this infomercial not offering to send you anything for your money, but instead to send a Jew back to Israel. That's right. Now you too can take part in the fulfillment of these ancient prophecies for the low low price of only $750 per Jew. Even better, I could send four Jews back for only $3000 (they tell me this in case I can't do math). Here may be found the related website.
http://www.ifcj.org/
"The Wings program is truly a miracle!" says Rabbi Yechiel Eckstein, founder and president of the Fellowship.
04-07-03
Oh sweet, this guy from my building just came over with a pack of Ramen straight from Taiwan. Flavor? Rib noodles with pungent.
God bless the English language.
Roomates are a strange phenomenon
Oh sweet, this guy from my building just came over with a pack of Ramen straight from Taiwan. Flavor? Rib noodles with pungent.
God bless the English language.
Roomates are a strange phenomenon
Tiny: I lost something important. I think it was my soul.Me: Didn't you trade that last week for a bag of Donut Gems?Tiny: Oh yeah. If I had a donkey that I didn't care about, I would try to choke it with peanut butter and jelly.Me: Who chokes a donkey with peanut butter and jelly?Tiny: Well we certainly have enough of it...
04-06-03
Ramen Journal #6
Flavor: Roast Chicken
Ramen Rating: Dirty Cheap
Name Accuracy: More like chicken than roast. Sigh, roast...
Stench: Like Mom's spice cabinet
Comments: Actually quite good. Don't let the "Rich Flavor" bubble on the package fool you into thinking the added promotion means it sucks. Seriously.
Cooking tips: No knife needed for this roast chicken. Did you forget? Its just ramen!
Ramen Journal #5
Flavor: Oriental
Ramen Rating: Rotten Cheap
Name Accuracy: Not really sure what orientals taste like so...
Stench: Like Lemon Pine-Sol and peanuts
Comments: Well no images of pagodas or Buddha coming to mind. And doesn't Ramen's origin make an oriental flavoring kind of a redundancy? Maybe they should have just called it original flavor.
Cooking tips: Eat with chopsticks if you want some authenticity. You'll lose weight too. Slippery buggers.
Flavor: Oriental
Ramen Rating: Rotten Cheap
Name Accuracy: Not really sure what orientals taste like so...
Stench: Like Lemon Pine-Sol and peanuts
Comments: Well no images of pagodas or Buddha coming to mind. And doesn't Ramen's origin make an oriental flavoring kind of a redundancy? Maybe they should have just called it original flavor.
Cooking tips: Eat with chopsticks if you want some authenticity. You'll lose weight too. Slippery buggers.
Put up with me
Its not worth it
I can't promise that it ever will be
But I'm trying
03-27-03
Ramen Journal #4
Flavor: Chicken Mushroom
Ramen Rating: Rotten Cheap
Name Accuracy: Better than the real thing. No, wait. Cheaper. Cheaper than the real thing.
Stench: Like an abandoned boullion factory.
Comments: Not too bad. Which of course doesn't make it good, but... Hey better than watching The Nanny.
Cooking tips: I suppose adding chicken or mushrooms might make this taste more like...well, chicken or mushrooms.
Its not worth it
I can't promise that it ever will be
But I'm trying
03-27-03
Ramen Journal #4
Flavor: Chicken Mushroom
Ramen Rating: Rotten Cheap
Name Accuracy: Better than the real thing. No, wait. Cheaper. Cheaper than the real thing.
Stench: Like an abandoned boullion factory.
Comments: Not too bad. Which of course doesn't make it good, but... Hey better than watching The Nanny.
Cooking tips: I suppose adding chicken or mushrooms might make this taste more like...well, chicken or mushrooms.
Ramen Journal #3
Flavor: Shrimp
Ramen Rating: Aldi Cheap
Name Accuracy: Not even close
Stench: Like under the seat in your dad's old work truck
Comments: Tastes a lot like eating nothing. Or maybe spaghetti with salt instead of sauce. Not worth the 3 minute wait for the water to boil.
Cooking tips: Eat something else. Or better yet, eat Chili Ramen. Or watch The Nanny while eating to add flavor.
Black holes and environmental variables
2000 hours of work a year
Flavor: Shrimp
Ramen Rating: Aldi Cheap
Name Accuracy: Not even close
Stench: Like under the seat in your dad's old work truck
Comments: Tastes a lot like eating nothing. Or maybe spaghetti with salt instead of sauce. Not worth the 3 minute wait for the water to boil.
Cooking tips: Eat something else. Or better yet, eat Chili Ramen. Or watch The Nanny while eating to add flavor.
Black holes and environmental variables
2000 hours of work a year
03-21-03
Ramen Journal #2
Flavor: Hot Chili
Ramen Rating: Dirty Cheap
Name Accuracy: hot for ramen
Stench: Like curry and marijuana
Comments: Spatters maliciously and burns like fire. Sort of spicy. Ramen that tastes like something. Novel concept.
Cooking tips: Have a cold drink handy. Don't drink the leftover water!
Ramen Journal #1
Flavor: Creamy Chicken
Ramen Rating: Rotten Cheap
Name Accuracy: Not creamy. Not chicken.
Stench: Like chicken ramen and parmesan cheese
Comments: Sauce clumpy, doesn't mix in well. Rather bland as a result. Sauce clumps excruciating. Flavor better at the bottom.
Cooking tips: Knead sauce in packet before mixing in. Don't drain, mix well.
But things were already busy getting out of hand...
Books I read in 2003:
J.R.R. Tolkien - The Silmarillion
Franz Kafka - The Metamorphosis and Other Stories
J.R.R. Tolkien - Unfinished Tales
Chaim Potok - My Name is Asher Lev
J.R.R. Tolkien - The Return of the King
J.R.R. Tolkien - The Two Towers
J.R.R. Tolkien - The Hobbit
J.R.R. Tolkien - The Fellowship of the Ring
Douglas Adams - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Joseph Heller - Catch 22
J. D. Salinger - Catcher in the Rye
Annie Dillard - Holy the Firm
Sylvia Plath - The Bell Jar
Michael Crichton - Timeline
Ayn Rand - Atlas Shrugged
Ayn Rand - Anthem
Ayn Rand - We the Living
Ayn Rand - The Fountainhead
J.D. Salinger - Franny and Zoe
Ramen Journal #2
Flavor: Hot Chili
Ramen Rating: Dirty Cheap
Name Accuracy: hot for ramen
Stench: Like curry and marijuana
Comments: Spatters maliciously and burns like fire. Sort of spicy. Ramen that tastes like something. Novel concept.
Cooking tips: Have a cold drink handy. Don't drink the leftover water!
Ramen Journal #1
Flavor: Creamy Chicken
Ramen Rating: Rotten Cheap
Name Accuracy: Not creamy. Not chicken.
Stench: Like chicken ramen and parmesan cheese
Comments: Sauce clumpy, doesn't mix in well. Rather bland as a result. Sauce clumps excruciating. Flavor better at the bottom.
Cooking tips: Knead sauce in packet before mixing in. Don't drain, mix well.
But things were already busy getting out of hand...
Books I read in 2003:
J.R.R. Tolkien - The Silmarillion
Franz Kafka - The Metamorphosis and Other Stories
J.R.R. Tolkien - Unfinished Tales
Chaim Potok - My Name is Asher Lev
J.R.R. Tolkien - The Return of the King
J.R.R. Tolkien - The Two Towers
J.R.R. Tolkien - The Hobbit
J.R.R. Tolkien - The Fellowship of the Ring
Douglas Adams - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Joseph Heller - Catch 22
J. D. Salinger - Catcher in the Rye
Annie Dillard - Holy the Firm
Sylvia Plath - The Bell Jar
Michael Crichton - Timeline
Ayn Rand - Atlas Shrugged
Ayn Rand - Anthem
Ayn Rand - We the Living
Ayn Rand - The Fountainhead
J.D. Salinger - Franny and Zoe
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